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The Mirror and
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Section 21 – Hate In His Eyes
It’s the day after our swimming party. School has been a little slow today, maybe because it’s Monday. I don’t have any homework yet, which is really a good thing on a Monday. Lunch is even pretty good today. We are having chicken fingers, corn, butterscotch pudding, and an orange. Our usual gang was basically gathered at our table. The only person missing is Pete, and I know he is here today. I wonder what’s going on with him. Oh wait, there he is, but he has walked on by and headed towards the team table. For just a second our eyes met. I swear that hate was coming from his eyes.
Later, as we were eating, he turned again towards us. His eyes seemed to be giving something foul, but it wasn’t aimed at me. His glare was aimed at Doug. Why? Did something happen yesterday? I glanced down at the ground and then back up at my sweetheart. By this time, Pete’s attention was elsewhere; however, mine was now focused on Doug.
“Okay, spill it!” Doug looked puzzled, but I was determined to get an answer. “What happened with you and Pete at my house yesterday?” I had him now, he had to reply.
“Remember when we were kissing in the pool? Well, I caught him watching us. He didn’t seem too crazy about it. Pete told me that he was just curious about seeing two guys kissing.” I could tell from Doug’s tone that he didn’t believe one word of what Pete said.
“So what do you think is going on?” He stared at me as if he were thinking about what to say.
The words suddenly came crashing out of his mouth. “What do I think is going on? I think Pete has feelings for you. He wants you to love him like you love me.” I had no idea that Pete felt that way about me.
At that point, Jeff chimed in on the subject. “Hate to say this, because Pete is my friend, but I think Doug is right. The first time that I saw you and Doug together, I was with Pete, and every time that he looked at Doug, his face went all red. I tried to ask him what was wrong and he just ignored me.”
I had to admit that I was lost, because I had no idea. “Guys, I have to admit that I didn’t have a clue about how Pete felt. I don’t understand why he never mentioned anything to me.”
Doug rolled his eyes and then leaned in close to me and whispered. “Admit it, you’re glad that I’m your man.”
I saw Pete roll his eyes as Doug spoke into my ear. His actions confirmed what Doug and Alex had said. Maybe Pete does have a crush on me. Maybe he does want to date me, but then why hasn’t he come out? He had the perfect opportunity when I came out to him.
“So do you think he’s gay?” I asked, wanting to hear what Doug and Jeff thought, because all I see when I look at Pete is a straight, sensitive jock.
“Hmmm…maybe Pete is bi,” Doug answered.
“Pete’s just in denial; he’s like Doug, a gay jock.” Jeff added his thoughts to the mix.
Section 22 – Questioning
It’s been three days since Doug and Jeff opened my eyes. My feelings towards Pete have changed. I have no idea what to think. Pete has feelings for me, and to make matters worse, I had no clue. I didn’t have a clue that he liked me that way. Heck, I didn’t even know that Pete was gay. What’s a guy to do?
I mean, really, what am I going to do? Pete is one of my best friends. You don’t get a friend like him every day. We ran off together after getting in trouble in 2nd grade. Doug is my boyfriend now, and I don’t plan on changing that any time soon. I don’t want Pete to drop out of sight on me.
With the way teens are, Doug and I could last a few weeks, and then what do I do. I think Pete and I need to have a good heart to heart. We might make a great couple. After all, we are best of friends and we have a lot in common. My only concern is what happens when Pete and I break up? Could we still be friends? I’m just thankful for Doug, but I do worry about our future.
With the revelations that Doug and Jeff provided me, I’ve been going crazy. I’ve written in my journal and spoken to my reflection. Maybe Mom is the best place to turn for advice on this one. I head out the door in search of Mom. I find her on the phone, so I grab my Sudoku puzzle and start working on it.
“Hmmm…either my son is bored or he has something on his mind,” Mom said, taking a seat next to me.
“Mom, I think Pete has feelings for me and I’m not sure what to do about it.”
“Have you talked to Pete yet?” After mom’s reply, I sat and thought about her comment.
“I haven’t spoken to him, actually.”
A frown came over her face. “So how do you know he likes you?”
“Well, Doug and Jeff are pretty sure he does.”
“Alex, I’m really surprised! I can’t believe that you haven’t talked to Pete. Doesn’t he deserve a chance to tell you what is going on?” Mom, as usual, is right. Pete is my best friend and he deserves a chance to tell me what’s going on.
“Thanks, Mom!” I said as I gave her a hug.
After Mom left the room, I called Pete. We talked as we always have and never once did we hit the subject at hand. I’d rather have that discussion face to face. He’s doing okay, or at least that’s what he told me. His tone of voice told me another story. I admit he’s been very distant lately, ever since the day that I met Doug. I don’t see it getting any better, either.
Section 23 – Pete Is Dead?
I need to talk to Pete and it might as well be today. Yeah, I’ve been putting it off for a few days, so I could come up with something to say. Since Pete and Doug’s little confrontation, Pete has been avoiding me at every turn. He’s never stayed away this long. I’m worried about him. I’ve called quite a few times, left messages, but he’s never called me back. I’ve even sent him emails and I’ve not gotten anything back from him. Come to think about, Jeff hasn’t heard from him either.
Is he worried that I’m going to stop being his friend just because I’ve got Doug in my life? No boyfriend is going to stop our friendship.
The phone is ringing; got to answer it, be right back, journal.
“Hello, Alex here!”
“Alex? Is…is Pete there?” Oh man, his mom sounds horrid. Something must really be wrong.
“What’s wrong?” In all the years that I’ve known Pete, his mom has never once called me. She’s been nice to me, but she’s never called me.
“Alex? He…he left…a note...” At first it didn’t hit me what she meant by him leaving a note. Suddenly, it hit me like a bullet to the heart.
I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know where he would go. Maybe the news has my brain turned to mush. She continued talking to me, half talking, half crying.
“He’s going…to kill himself. I have to find him. Where would he go?”
The only thing I could come up with was, “It will be okay!” How could I say that? I knew better. I heard something like the phone banging on the ground or on a table. Immediately, I heard her cry out “No!” My heart started to pound, and I grew weak. I was ready to cry but I wouldn’t yet. I quickly hung up the phone and started to cry.
At some point, Mom and Dad came into my room. Neither of them made any effort to speak as they sat down on either side of me. I couldn’t even acknowledge them. All I could think about was Pete.
My phone started ringing again, but I couldn’t answer it. I watched as my mom answered my phone. “Hello?”
“Hi, Doug!” I hated not hearing my boyfriend’s voice. “Yes, but it’s not a good time.”
I reached out my hand and took the phone from her hands. “Doug? Pete’s…?” It was all I could get out before Doug stopped me.
“Easy babe, I already know. I called you because you need to check your email.” Did Doug email me something? My heart tolc me that the email in question wasn’t from Doug.
“Why?” I wanted to know before I opened the mail.
“Just do it, but don’t hang up on me.” I quickly got online, and clicked on my mailbox. In the box, I found an email from Pete.
The email didn’t have a subject, which was rare for Pete. I clicked on it without even thinking. Usually, I delete emails that lack subjects. When the email opened up on my monitor, I started to read it out loud: “Dear Alex, I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I feel so empty and have since I saw you look at Doug that first time. When I saw you kiss him at the pool, I felt sick to my stomach. Your sexuality doesn’t bother me, but mine bothers me. I don’t know who I am. Alex, I love you, and not just as a friend, but I just can’t be gay. You’re the only person in my life who would understand me, and I don’t feel like I can talk to you anymore. It’s the reason why I haven’t been around much lately. I get so sad every time that I see you and Doug together. Alex, tell Doug that I don’t hate him. I envy him, because he has the most loving and caring person in the world in his arms. Alex, I need to say goodbye! You will never see me or hear from me again. I don’t want to put you through this, but I just…just can’t be like you. Don’t come for me! One last favor, don’t come to my funeral, I want you to see me just as I am now.”
“Doug, he did it? He did it…. He killed himself!” I was sobbing and I couldn’t get it under control. I couldn’t even talk right now. Doug was still on the line, but my crying made all my words worthless. Mom and Dad hugged me and I heard Dad say “Alex, we love you.”
Section 24 – Death Doesn’t Become Him
Pete was the last one that anyone expected to kill himself. I knew things had to be pretty scary for him to consider taking his life, and then to carry out his plan was crazy. It’s only been a couple hours since I first heard about Pete’s suicide. I’ve heard a rumor that Pete isn’t dead but I haven’t heard anything official, and I’m dying for some news. Somehow, that discussion that I wanted to have with Pete doesn’t seem all that important.
Mom and Dad left for the hospital, but I didn’t go up with them. I couldn’t. I don’t want to see any tubes sticking out of his arms or anyplace else. The quiet is eating at me. Why isn’t anyone calling to pass on the news? I’m beginning to think that I’m supposed to be left out. After all, it’s my blind eyes that lead him to ending his life. Don’t my parents know how much I care? A knock on the door; a part of me is hoping for Pete.
On the other side, I found Doug. I collapsed into his arms and cried. His feet lead us to the couch, where we sat down and I lay my head down upon his shoulders. My tears wet his shirt. The two of us didn’t talk to each other; instead, we just held each other. I’ve forgotten what can be said by not saying anything at all. There is a twist of the door knob, but neither of us cares.
Mom and Dad entered the house. Mom made a comment about us being in each other’s arms. “Mom, Doug was just comforting me.” She smiled weakly and sat in Dad’s chair. “Boys, Pete’s going to be up at the hospital for awhile. Doug, Alex, you know that we are here for you two at any time, right?” She almost looked like tears might be getting ready to drop.
“Mom, I...I love you!” Doug said as the two of us boys hugged my mom. A knock on the door caused us to break the hug.
Pete’s mom was brought into the house by my dad. When she saw Doug and me, she flipped out. “You? You caused this, you made my son kill himself.” She was right, in a way. Maybe, if I saw Pete’s interest in me, things would be different.
Doug stood up, looked right at her, and with a loud voice, said, “Pete did what he did out of fear of being gay. We had nothing to do with his suicide. Don’t you dare speak to us like that! Alex and I are Pete’s friends, and he knew that.”
She still looked upset. Dad led her into the kitchen. Mom gave Doug a hug and then looked at both of us “Guys, she is just scared and not thinking right. I realize that was not called for.” It finally hit me: Pete’s alive—so why aren’t we celebrating?