Bonding Energy 06 by Ryan Miller				Email Codey’s World Codey ~ Poet & Author Blue ~ Editor & Designer
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I went inside and into the living room, plopped down in my recliner and turned on the TV. We had gotten back home in time for me to catch the last half of "Rick Steves' Europe," so I watched him tour Portugal. I would have gone upstairs to help Brian unpack with the others, but I was so worried about telling about my crush I couldn't look at him without getting nervous. I kept asking myself if he would like me back, then saying things to convince myself it wasn't worth it. But I was tired of the internal debate. I figured it was better to know for sure if he liked me or not than to stay up at night wondering.

I heard a loud thud upstairs followed by laughter. It was probably another gratuitous display of martial arts from my brother and Aaron. They were always trying to get other people into tae kwan do and were probably giving Brian "examples" of what you could do. If it was like the other displays, Brian probably had just been thrown on the floor.

I just kicked back and watched TV.

'You know he's going to hate you,' I said to myself.

'Shut-up! You don't know that.'

'All I know is that he is really hot and could have any guy he wanted. Why would he want you?'

'Because I'm smart and funny and…kind of good-looking.'

'"Kind of?" You have the sex-appeal of Liza Minnelli.'

'Bite me! I work out. I might not look like Brian, or even James, but I'm not scrawny. Hell, at least I'm not fat.'

'You may as well be.'

"Look, I've had about enough of you!" I shouted.

"Are…you ok, Kyle?" asked James. He had just come downstairs and was standing in the hall, looking at me weird.

"Oh, I'm fine, I guess," I lied.

"Ok then," he said and walked down the hall towards the kitchen. I got up and went after him, looking for something to do that would get my mind off of Brian or me telling him about my crush. I walked into the kitchen and James was checking out the fridge.

"So, do you think Brian's dad will get out of jail?" I asked.

"Not for a while," he said. "He had several witnesses see him throw a brick at his son's head. And Brian has the cut from the night of the party, so there is enough evidence for two counts of domestic assault."

I heard Brian and Aaron laugh upstairs. "What are they doing up there?" I asked.

"Just talking," said James as he pulled the milk out. "It turns out that Brian wants to go to the same college Aaron is applying for."

"Aaron wants to go to college?" I asked in disbelief. For the longest time I had only heard him speak ill of higher education.

"Yeah," said James while he poured a bowl of cereal. "He decided he wants to have a cool office job like me where he can make lots of money and not have to deal with incompetent employees all the time. I told him he could never avoid incompetent employees , but he still wants to get out of the bowling business."

"But I thought he loved bowling," I said.

"He does, but it's lost its appeal since he started breaking 280 on a regular basis. A hobby just isn't fun without a hard goal to work towards." He took his bowl of cereal and went into the living room and sat on the couch.

I walked into the doorway and asked, "Umm…does he…does Aaron know I'm gay?"

James looked at me and smiled. "Why? Do you want to know if he'll let you grab his ass?"

"Knock it off. I'm serious."

"Well, if he does know, I haven't told him."

"But he knows about Brian."

"That's because Brian told him. The same rule I gave you applies to everyone: telling people is up to you and only tell those you trust. And I doubt Brian would say anything. He understands how it embarrasses you and would never tell someone like Aaron, though it would be really funny to watch you freak out!"

He laughed as I walked away. I went up the stairs and heard Brian and Aaron talking in the room down the hall from mine. 'Cool,' I thought. 'Brian gets his own room. But wait! Does that mean I can no longer be his teddy bear?'

I walked down the hall and listened to the conversation they were having. It was something mundane about what majors they chose and the lame questions on the application. I started to feel a cold, sinking feeling in my stomach as I got closer. It was the same feeling I had after the dream I woke up to that morning. I felt so alone, so left out even though the one I cared about most was just in the next room. I felt a tear fall down my cheek.

'I can't let anyone see me like this!' I thought.

I fled into my bedroom, got in bed and pulled the covers over myself. I just layed there and silently cried, remembering the pain of being alone and excluded.

'But that can all change,' I told myself. 'If you tell Brian you like him and he likes you back, you'll never have to feel this bad again.'

That was the clincher. All the risk of being let down and rejected was outweighed by the chance to never feel that way again.

But I was still feeling bad. I needed a distraction. I got my Gameboy and went to work at defeating the Dark Druid, Nergal. I was trying to beat it on hard mode and had my work cut out for me. It must have taken a while because I had completed 11 chapters when all of a sudden I heard riotous laughter coming from downstairs. I walked down the stairs to see James, Aaron and Brian on the couch watching "Malcolm in the Middle."

"I have the keys, Dad," said Reese, who was locked in the trunk. "Now lets go!"

All three of them busted up laughing.

"Oh man," said Brian. "I love Reese."

'Uh, oh,' I though. 'Bad idea.'

"Oooh, Brian has a crush on Reese," said James.

"And he's, like, 5 years younger than you," said Aaron.

"Shut up you guys," said Brian. This sort of treatment was something I was more than familiar with. Only I was usually given crap about liking Anakin Skywalker. (Hayden Christensen, not Jake Lloyd. I hate Jake Lloyd.)

"And what if I do like him?" said Brian. "He would make a great boyfriend."

My ears perked up. Brian was about to describe what he liked in a boyfriend, though I was discouraged that he liked a dumb-ass.

"Why would you date Reese?" asked Aaron. "He's a dumb-ass."

'My thoughts exactly.'

"Well, sure he's not the brightest guy," said Brian, "but he's simple to understand and honest. His motives are always plain and, when faced with the choice, he does what is best for the ones he cares about."

'Aww, how sweet,' I thought. 'If those are the requirements to make it to Brian's heart, I've got 'em nailed.'

"That, and he's hot!" Brian said.

'Well, I didn't quite have that one,' I conceded. 'But that can all change. What matters is that I have the inside all worked out.'

The show got over and they started to stand up. I realized I had been standing in the doorway and ran back upstairs. I still didn't have the courage to look at Brian until the moment of judgment. I heard Aaron say his goodbyes and leave. I panicked. I didn't know if I should wait in Brian's new room or my own. I decided to wait in his and ran into it. It looked simple: the guest bed with his suitcase on it. Some stuff on the desk and a poster on the wall I recognized from Aaron's house . It was of "The Two Towers" and helped the room look more lived-in than before.

I took his suitcase off the bed and put it on the floor. I sat on the bed and waited for him to come up, going over what to say in my head. I hadn't gotten very far in my monolog when I saw Brian's diary—I mean, journal—on the desk. I was tempted to go over and flip through it when Brian walked into the room.

"Oh, hey, Kyle" he said. "Do you like my new room?"

"I, uh, yeah. It's fine," I said. "Brian, can we talk?"

"We're talking right now," he said and took a seat on the bed next to me.

"Well…I…uh…"

"If you want to know if this mean's we'll have to sleep in our own beds: yes. I figured that the sooner I learn to deal with these feelings, the better. And I can't do it by acting like a little kid. Besides, I don't want you passing out again."

'What was that supposed to mean?' I thought. 'Was he referring to the incident at the doctor's office?'

"So, what was up with you at the doctor's office yesterday?" asked Brian. "I mean, I'm sure you've seen a guy's dick before."

Well, that made me uncomfortable as hell. "Actually, I didn't even see anything before I passed out."

"Oh, so were you sick or something?"

'Yes, love sick,' I thought.

"Not really," I said.

"So then what was the deal?" he asked.

I came into this ready to tell him about my crush, and I had a perfect, if not awkward, segue. I didn't know how to lead into it, so I just told him. "For a long time I've had a really big crush on you and, when the doctor told you to take off your pants, it was more than I could take."

Brian looked at me quizzically and said, "Really? Even after I was such a jerk to you?"

"Yeah. I mean, if you haven't noticed, you're really hot."

Brian's face went beet red and he said, "Well…thanks, I guess."

This wasn't exactly the reaction I was planning on after having just revealed my crush to him. I was hoping it would be more like, "Wow, and I've had a huge crush on you this whole time, too. Now that we know we like each other so much, lets make out." But then again, fate never did like me that much.

'Come on, Brian,' I thought. 'Say something.'

"Kyle," he said.

"Yes?"

"I appreciate that you like me and all, but I just can't see myself with a guy like you. I mean, you're attractive and all but…we're just too similar."

Now, I've never been dumped before, but I think this is what it's supposed to feel like. And I've never been called attractive before either, so I was pretty confused at that one, too. I felt angry, sad, betrayed, but mostly sad. I had the feeling from the dream all over again, that sharp, icy pain in my chest. I wasn't sure how to react.

"'Too similar?'" I said. "What do you mean? We aren't anything like each other."

"Well, I'm a jock and you're a nerd, but it wasn't always that way. The way you're into chemistry, I was into history. I used to be as big a geek as you."

"What, you were skinny and all?"

This was not anything like the way I had pictured it, and I was getting very frustrated. I was starting to resent his every word as a personal attack.

"No, I was actually pretty chubby."

"Yeah, right. Have you seen yourself lately? There's not a single fat cell in your entire body."

"Look, I wasn't always the popular, attractive jock you have a crush on, I was once as lonely and insecure as you are."

"Lonely? Who said I'm lonely?"

"Because, I'm lonely as hell and I can see it all in you."

"Lonely, my ass!"

I was just plain mad at that point. Everything he was saying totally contradicted everything I thought I knew about him. Out of animal instinct, I became very defensive.

"You're always surrounded by people."

"And none of them matter, none of them care who I am. All they want is to be as popular and cool as me, and I don't want any of it."

"So, you pick on all the other kids who were 'just like you?'"

"It's all part of the show, and I feel terrible about it."

"I sure hope you do, 'cause you made me feel like shit!"

"Look, I said I was sorry. What more do you want?"

"I want you to love me! I've spent so much time helping you these last few days. I've put aside all the anger and hate I felt for your kind—"

"My kind? What's that supposed to mean?"

"You know what it means."

"You're still including with those jerks who follow me around? I've already told you: that's not who I am."

"And I'm supposed to believe you were a fat little geek with no friends."

"Yes! That's exactly who I was! And after too many judgmental people made my life a living Hell, I decided to stop doing well in school and joined all sorts of sports teams. But popular or unpopular, people still judged me. People like my parents, my 'friends', you!"

"Me?!"

"Yes, you. All you saw in me was a cute boy in tight jeans. You never bothered to know anything about me. You don't know my hopes, my dreams, what I want in life. Do you even know my last name?"

"Of course I do. It's Freeman."

"It's Fleishman!"

The room was engulfed in silence, the most awkward of my life. Those last words were branded onto my soul. They were the strongest he had ever spoken to me. I looked into his eyes and, where I expected to find anger and rage, I saw pain and rejection.

He got up off the bed and started pacing and running his fingers through his hair and over his face. He turned to me and said, "You're no better than one of those slutty cheerleaders. You're just concerned about aesthetics. You know, I can't stay here anymore. I can't stand to be around 'your kind.'"

He grabbed his suitcase off the floor and walked towards the door, but stopped in the doorway, turned around and said, "By the way, I did love you. You were the first brother I ever had!"

After that, he slammed the door and stomped down the stairs. I got up and opened the door and ran after him, determined not to let him have the last word. I got to the top of the stairs just in time to see him close the front door.

I was speechless. My whole justification for liking him had just come crashing down with one simple question. I didn't know what to think, what to say, what to do. I just stood there.

'"Just concerned about aesthetics?"' I thought. 'Was that really all that was on my mind? Of course not! I'm not that shallow. I cared about him even though he was a total ass to me. I cared so much I didn't even care who he was. I… 'I didn't even care who he was?'

This sudden realization brought me to the breaking point 'Oh my God! I didn't even care who he was! I'm a slut! A whore! I'm no better than some superficial, bubbly cheerleader!'

I ran into my bedroom and threw my face in my pillow and started crying. Not like in the morning, but hard sobs this time. I was so upset that my relationship with Brian had just met such a tragic end. I was mad at myself for being so shallow. I felt void of hope, for if I could judge someone like that once, how could I ever like a guy without being too concerned about looks? But mostly, I was sad that I'd hurt Brian. It wasn't enough that his father had tried to kill him, twice, but now one of the only people he trusted—his teddy bear, and apparently is brother—had just really hurt his feelings. I felt like such a low-life.

Much to my surprise, I felt James' hand gently rub my back. I had forgotten he even existed, but was very glad to have him there. I looked over and he was sitting in the chair next to my bed and was even crying a little himself.

"I heard you guys arguing," he said. "That was ugly. I bet you feel terrible."

"You have no idea," I said.

"I bet he feels bad, too."

"I know, *sniff* and that's mostly why I feel bad."

"Well, it's good that you're feeling bad for him. Most people in a situation like this sit and cry about the relationship they just lost. It shows you have compassion."

"Then why do I feel so lousy?"

"Because he does. That's part of compassion: feeling someone else's pain when you don't have to. And don't worry, you'll feel better in the morning. It's amazing what sleep can cure."

"Will he come back in the morning?"

"I don't know."

"Will I see him at school?"

"I don't know."

"I just want to tell him how sorry I am," I said, and started crying again.

James kept rubbing my back, which brought a great deal of comfort in an otherwise tense and hopeless situation. I layed there wondering how this all could have happened. It took a mutual fear to bring us together and a huge argument to tear us apart. One of the laws of chemistry is that simple bonds are easy to break. Brian and I had bonded through trauma and, as soon as that trauma had closure, the bond was broken. Our only connection had failed and there was nothing keeping us together. Our bonding energy had evaporated.

But I hope this isn't the last I see of him. We still have to face school together. I promised him he wouldn't be alone tomorrow. And, even if I can't look him in the eye, I will be a man of my word and stand by his side. It's the least I owe him.