Bonding Energy 08 by Ryan Miller				Email Codey’s World Codey ~ Poet & Author Blue ~ Editor & Designer
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The paramedics came and took Brian away in an ambulance. I didn’t get to go with him, but one of the police officers gave me a ride to the hospital. The paramedics said Brian probably had a concussion, but they would have to run a CT scan to see just what was happening to him. The bullies involved were taken to the police station and it seemed like most of them would admit to what they had done, but Shawn wouldn’t admit to anything. He didn’t want word to get out that he’d lost a fight with a “fag.”

So now I was waiting for James in the hospital lobby. I used the police radio on the ride over to call him and he said he would get there as soon as he could. It was terribly boring waiting for him. I was surrounded by strangers, most of whom looked like they had plague. And I was without my Gameboy, so I had nothing to do. There was a TV in the corner that had CNN on it, but I didn’t really care to see the latest casualty report from the Middle East. I saw a stack of magazines on an end table and my interest was piqued when I saw a copy of Popular Science. But when I saw it was the same issue I had read countless times in Dr. Norwood’s office, my excitement waned.

Soon James walked in and he looked around and quickly found me. He strode over and sat down next to me. “What’s going on?” he asked. “Why is Brian in the hospital?”

I told him the story about how I tried to leave school through the door by the dumpsters and found four guys kicking Brian to a pulp. I told him how I stood up to them and they threw me in a dumpster. He laughed at that part and told me I still had spaghetti in my hair. Then I told him how Brian got up and kicked their asses and then he collapsed after that.

“Wow,” he said. “I’d think that was awesome if he didn’t end up in the hospital. Aaron would be proud.” His voice kind of trailed off after that, then he asked, “So, what’s happening to him now?”

“They are running tests to see if he has a concussion,” I said. “The paramedics told me that was most likely the problem, but they need to make sure.”

“When will we find out?” he asked.

“I don’t know,” I said. “All I know is what the paramedics and the police told me. I haven’t seen Brian since I got here and I don’t know where they took him.”

“I’ll go find out,” he said and got up and joined the line for the information desk.

I really hoped Brian was ok. I’d never had a concussion, but I had heard nothing but bad things about them. Apparently, a concussion is where the inside of your head is bleeding and there is nowhere for the blood to go. Pressure builds up against your brain, and that’s probably a bad thing.

‘But he’s a football player,’ I thought. ‘He’s probably had a few concussions so far. This won’t be a big deal.’ But I really hoped he was ok.

“He’s in the care of Dr. Olsen,” said James as he sat down again. “He’s out of testing and in room 351 on the third floor. We can go up and see him if you want.”

“Of course I want to!” I said. We both got up and went to find room 351.

As the elevator reached the third floor, my heart was racing. I wanted to make sure he was ok. I wanted to see if he was awake yet. I wanted to see him smile at me again like the way he did before he collapsed. Most of all, I wanted to tell him I was sorry for being such a selfish jerk. I’d thought about it on the ride to the hospital and in the waiting room and decided that, if he wanted me to be a brother instead of a boyfriend, I was going to be the best little brother he could have. And who knows? In time, it may become something more. And honestly, I felt like I had a much better chance of wooing him now because I had some hero points going for me.

‘I had jumped in and distracted the bullies that were hurting him,’ I thought. ‘And, when he fell, it was me who contacted the authorities. I’m a veritable Knight in Shining Armor. How can he resist me now?’

We walked into room 351 and what I saw almost brought me to tears. There was Brian—the star quarterback, the wrestler who scared the crap out of so many opponents—lying in a hospital bed with tubes in his arm and out his swollen mouth, lying like a helpless child. Only an hour or so ago, he was fighting against four big brutes, and now you wouldn’t know he was alive if it wasn’t for the beeping monitors. James went over and sat in a chair while I stood in the doorway. I didn’t know what to do. I wanted to help him, I wanted him to wake up. But I stood there feeling as helpless as he was.

“Excuse me,” said a nurse as she tried to get through the doorway. I stepped aside, but never stopped staring at Brian.

“Are you the family?” she asked.

I wasn’t sure how to respond to that. I was about to say “No” when James tentatively said, “Yes. We’re his brothers. How is he?”

“Well,” she said, “he hasn’t woken up since he got here. But he does have a lot of cranial trauma, so we don’t expect him to be awake.”

“So it’s a concussion then?” I asked.

“Yes, and a pretty bad one,” she said as she hooked up a bag to his IV. “I’m giving him some medicine that will help reduce the swelling, but a head injury this severe might cause some permanent damage.”

“What kind of damage?” I asked. I was ready to cry at that point. This whole situation kept getting worse and I felt bad for not being able to do anything.

“I don’t know,” she said. “It could be many things: loss of motor functions, speech impediment, amnesia. The brain is a tricky organ and we can never predict what it will do exactly. But when Dr. Olsen comes back, she will be able to tell you more.”

“When will she be back?” asked James.

“She’s in surgery right now,” said the nurse. “She won’t get done for the next few hours and then she will most likely go home. You will be able so see her when she gets here in the morning. But don’t worry, Brian is in good hands until then.” She checked his beeping monitors, adjusted the flow on his IV and walked out.

“Wow,” said James. “And I thought this poor guy couldn’t endure more.”

I walked over to where James was sitting and sat in the chair next to him. I was still staring at Brian and my mind was reeling. I kept thinking about things I could do to help him. But when I realized none of them would work, I started thinking about what I could do when he woke up.

‘If he lost the use of his arms of legs, it would be devastating to his athletic career,’ I thought. ‘If he wakes up and had a lisp or something, I think that would actually be kind of cute. But if he woke up and had amnesia, that would be weird. We would have to tell him who he is. What if he wakes up and forgets he’s gay?! Is that possible? Then all that we went through would be for nothing.’

I heard shoes squeak loudly as someone was running down the hall. I saw Aaron run into the room and he stopped in the doorway and looked white as a ghost. Nick huffed in behind him and said, “We got here as soon as we could.”

Aaron started crying and ran over to Brian’s bed. Be leaned over and hugged him and kept saying he was sorry about something. This all seemed really weird to me.

‘He must really want Brian as a roommate,’ I thought.

Nick looked as bewildered as I was and just leaned against the big window that looked into the hall.

I leaned over to James and asked, “What’s up with him?”

James looked at me as if I had said something wrong and asked, “What? You can’t tell?”

“Tell what?” I asked. I seriously didn’t know what was making Aaron freak out.

“Remember this morning when I said I should have told you?” said James.

“Uh, yeah,” I said. “What should you have told me? And what does that have to do with anything?”

“Aaron, can I just tell him?” asked James.

“Tell him what?” asked a tearful Aaron. “You mean…he hasn’t noticed?”

“Well,” said James, “Kyle isn’t the most socially observant person.”

“What are you guys talking about?” asked Nick.

“Look, Kyle,” said Aaron. He paused for a moment then said, “I’m gay and I’m in love with Brian. And he likes me too. We agreed that after he graduated we would start dating. We’re basically boyfriends. That’s why…”

I didn’t hear anything else. My ears were ringing with passion. I couldn’t nail it down as anger or jealousy or hate or anything specific. It was just passion.

‘They’re basically boyfriends?’ I thought. ‘What the fuck?! I’ve known Brian for the last two years! Aaron knew him for 2 days! And now he thinks he has the right to barge into my life and steal the one thing I truly loved?!’

“Kyle,” said James. “That’s what I meant when I said I should have told you.”

“Damn right you should have told me!” I yelled and flung myself out of my chair. “I really liked Brian, and you knew that! You knew I liked him! And you let your best friend go after him while you sat there and told me I’m supposed to just be his fucking brother?! That’s bullshit! Who do you think you are?!”

James struggled for words, but couldn’t find any. I had never reacted this strongly to anything, but I had never had the reason to until my heart was ripped out by my big brother, his best friend and the boy I thought I loved. I looked at Brian, then Aaron’s tearful face, then James as he started to cry a little, and then at the door.

“Don’t do it, Kyle,” said James. “Don’t run away from this.” But I didn’t care what he thought anymore. I bolted out the door and down the hallway. I mashed the elevator button, but it wasn’t coming nearly fast enough. I heard James running after me. I decided I didn’t want to wait, so I ran down the stairs instead.

“Kyle, stop!” I heard James yell as he ran down after me. I got to the ground level and ran towards the main doors. But I knew James would follow me that way. So I ran towards the cafeteria and through the kitchen past confused cooks and one very mad chef and out the back door. I ran across the parking lot and into the street and just kept on running. I didn’t care where I ended up. I just wanted to be far away from the people who had hurt me so. I eventually stopped in a parking lot and collapsed into a crumpled heap on the ground. I laid there and cried my heart out. I heard cars pass by and a few honked, but I didn’t care. The manager of a store came out and asked if I was ok, but I ignored him. I just cried and let all the pain my heart was feeling manifest itself in my tears.

After a while, I started feeling cold and exhausted after the huge cry I’d just had. I picked myself up and looked around to see where I was. I was in the parking lot of a local strip mall a few blocks away from the hospital. I saw the sun was low in the sky and realized it was late afternoon. I must have been there for a long time. I immediately recognized the strip mall to be the place where I go and buy video games. I looked around and saw the Game Stop I frequented. The higher functions of my brain were too weak to operate and I involuntarily walked over to the store. As I went inside, the manager greeted me but was taken aback and said, “Wow, Kyle. You look like hell. What happened to you?”

“Nothing,” I said with a huge sniff. “Just some family problems. It is ok if I hang out here for a while?”

“I don’t know why you need to ask, but ok,” he said. “Just remember we’re closing in two hours.”

I walked straight to the Burnout III demo they had on display. There was only one track available, but I didn’t care. I just liked racing around and crashing the other cars. Every time I smashed another car into a wall, I imagined James or Aaron being in there. I tried imagining Brian in them, but he was already in bad shape, so it didn’t have the same effect. One round after another, I’d race around the track and slam into other cars and take immense delight as they went flying and crashing to the ground. I must have been there for a while because, before I knew it, the manager said, “I need to close, Kyle. You’ll have to come back tomorrow.”

I finished one last race and left the store. I said goodbye to the manager and thanked him for letting me stay. I stood on the sidewalk under what as now the night sky and stared out at a nearly empty parking lot, wondering what to do next. I didn’t really know where to go. I sure didn’t want to go home and see the traitors again. I wondered if I could hitch a ride with one of the people still there, so I tried to pick out a car I would like to ride in. I saw a new, red Mustang, an old grey van, a black Tacoma that looked just like the one James had.

Suddenly I was grabbed from behind. My immediate reaction was to try and get away, but there was something warm and comforting about the arms that held me.

“James!” I shouted.

“Stop struggling,” he said.  “I’m not letting you go this time.”

“How did you find me?” I demanded.

“When you’re mad, you always play your Gameboy. But since you didn’t have it, there was only one place you could go.”

“Then why didn’t you come in and get me? Why wait and ambush me?” I struggled to get free, but he only tightened his grip.

“You hate it when I bug you in the middle of a game. Besides, this is the best way to make sure you couldn’t run away again.”

“Why don’t you let me run? You’re an asshole and I never want to see you again!”

“You’re my brother and I love you.”

“And what the fuck does that matter if you’re just going to hurt me?”

“You hurt yourself! You created unreal expectations and turned you and Brian into people you’re not.”

“And what’s wrong with wanting him to like me?”

“You don’t just want him to like you, you want him to be your boyfriend. He doesn’t want that from you but you still expect it of him.”

“So what? I don’t want to just be his ‘little brother’ and let Aaron have all the fun.”

“You think Aaron is having fun tonight? You think he likes seeing the boy he loves unconscious in a hospital bed with nothing he can do to help?”

“That’s not the point!”

James spun me around and looked me in the eye and said, “Then please tell me, what is the point?”

I stammered for words. I hadn’t expected to be confronted like this. “The point is that I’m just not good enough for him. He keeps making up stupid excuses about how we’re so similar when all he needs to do is say he isn’t interested!”

“But you really are too alike to be boyfriends.”

“Bullshit! He’s as big a jock as I am a nerd! And even if we are similar, how would that matter?”

“Haven’t you ever heard that opposites attract?”

“Don’t give me that!”

“But it’s true! We like people because of the things they can do that we can’t, and we love them for the things they can’t do that we can. A strong relationship is made when two people have different strengths and weaknesses that make up for what the other doesn’t have. A relationship like that builds trust and an ability to depend on the other person. A relationship where the people are the same breaks down at the first sign of trouble because neither can account for the other’s weaknesses. Brian loves you dearly—he’s told me so himself—and you are his favorite person in the whole world.”

“But…” I began. I didn’t really know what to say to all this. It was attacking the all ideals I was holding to, but at the same time it all made sense. “I…I just still want to be his boyfriend.”

James let go of me and let out a huge sigh that made me feel very ashamed. “If you can’t accept reality,” he said, “then you’re hopeless. Now, I’m about to walk over to my truck and go home. You can stand here and sulk and get all depressed about the relationship you’re never going to have, or you can be happy with the relationship you do have and come home with me.”

He started walking away and my heart was torn. I would have started crying, but I didn’t have any energy left for that.

‘He’s right, you know’ I told myself. ‘This is all your fault. If you had just accepted the whole brother thing, you wouldn’t be in this mess.’

‘And it seems you still have a leg up on Aaron. Brian likes him, but he likes you more.’

‘No! That’s the mentality that got you here in the first place. The way Brian feels about you and Aaron is completely different, so you can’t compare them.’

‘So I’m just supposed to go home and be his brother then?’

‘You’ll be his brother no matter where you go. If you stand here and wallow in self-pity for the rest of your life or go home like you should, you will always be his little brother. So, which one do you want to choose?’

I still didn’t feel good about either decision, but I knew anything had to be better than standing there feeling my heart die as I lamented a relationship that never really existed. I heard James start his engine and I ran over to him, or at least I tried to. I’d just realized my legs were very tired. He must have seen me stumbling over to him because he didn’t go anywhere. I opened the passenger side door and hopped inside. “Welcome back, Kyle,” said James. He leaned over and hugged me and kissed me on the head.

The ride home was quite somber. James didn’t say anything and I just stared out the window. When we got home, I walked upstairs to my bedroom almost in a trance. I just wanted this stressful day to end. I had felt so many things that day I couldn’t feel anything at that point. But I kind of felt a warm feeling inside. It must have been the feeling of me letting go of all the anger and pain I had accumulated against James and Aaron and Brian. I thought about what life was like before the argument Sunday night, back when I was just Brian’s little brother. We did everything together. We talked and studied and cried together. We even slept together. I sat down on my bed and longed to be in Brian’s warm embrace once again, the embrace of a brother that loved me very much.

‘I guess this whole “kid brother” thing isn’t going to be so bad,’ I thought. ‘And I could use a break from James every once in a while.’

That night, I slept better than I had in a long time. No emotional dreams, no interruptions. Well, almost. James came into my room and woke me up around 6 in the morning. “What is it?” I asked.

“Aaron just called,” he said. “Brian’s awake.”

I shot out of bed and exclaimed, “What are we waiting for? Lets go see him.”