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Freefall
By Codey
Chapter 05
We spent the rest of the morning and early afternoon playing video games and just talking. By four o’clock, our hands were cramping and our thumbs numb, so we decided it was break time. “What time are your friends supposed to be here?” I asked Tim.
“Any time now,” he answered. “Tobey has a job at a food stand at the beach, so he won’t be here until about 4:30. He doesn’t get off until four and it takes him a half hour to get here from work.”
“I was thinking, earlier, that I don’t know much about these guys. You’ve told me a little on the phone but not all that much,” I said.
“There’s not a lot to tell. They’re just guys. What do you want to know?”
“I don’t know, maybe I’m just a little nervous about meeting them. What if they don’t like me?” I left unsaid my fear I wouldn’t like them.
“Are you kidding, Brian? Everyone likes you. You’re a Jell-O friend,” he laughed. He’d called me that once, because everyone liked Jell-O, and it’d become a private little joke between us.
“Well, they like most flavors anyway,” I’d replied. “I’m sort of an unusual flavor though.”
“You’re going to like the guys, Brian. Bear’s this huge mountain of pure heart. He’s on the football team, and I’m glad as hell I’ll be on his side of the scrimmage line. He doesn’t have a mean bone in his body. Some of the other guys have told me that it’s taken the coach three years to give up trying to get Bear to stop helping the other team’s players up after he mashes them.”
“Philo’s a bit of an oddball. His real name’s Harold, but we call him Philo, short for philosopher. He comes across as a little arrogant and has a wacky sense of humor. He’s always pissing people off with his attitude, and had no friends until he started hanging with us three. The three of us took him under our wings and are trying to show him he can have friends, if he’d just tone his attitude down.”
“What about the third guy? I forgot his name.”
“That would be Tobey. Tobey’s one of the most amazing people I’ve ever met. He’s got it all.”
“He’s rich?”
“No, no, I meant he has it all, as in all together. Bri, this dude is the most together guy I ever met. He has his whole life planned out. He knows what he’s going to be and where he’s going to live. I’d be surprised if he hasn’t already picked out the furniture for his first home. Tim looked thoughtful for a few seconds and then continued, “There are a few things about him that remind me of you.”
My ears perked up at this. “Really?” I asked. “Like what?”
“Well, like when you first meet him, it seems like he doesn’t say much and he’s on the shy side, but after you get to know him, you realize he’s not so much quiet as listening. It’s like he’s giving everyone a chance to show him why they should be friends.”
“Do you think I’m really like him? That I judge people to see if they’re worthy to be my friends?”
“Yes, I think you’re like him, and no, I don’t think either of you are judging people. It’s more like you’re looking for a connection and if it isn’t there, then you’re nice enough to the other person but you’re reserved. You don’t just blow people off and neither does Tobey, but you’re careful about who you want as a friend. I know that’s confusing, but I really don’t know how to explain what I mean. It’s not a bad thing, though; it’s just something you both do.”
“Another thing about both of you, is that you are really hard working. Ever since I’ve known you, you’re looking for a way to earn money. Tobey works a full time job in the summer and since he’s a student, his hours are restricted during the school year. He gets around that by working two part time jobs when school’s in session.”
“Is he saving for college too?”
“No. He lives with his Grandmother, and money’s tight, so he gives what he earns to her for bills.”
“Where are his parents?”
“There was some kind of family trouble and his Grandmother ended up taking him in. He’s lived with her since he was two or three, something like that.”
“What kind of trouble?”
“That’s for Tobey to tell you if he wants. It’s not my place.”
“Damn! If this isn’t your place then I’ve come in to someone else’s house again.”
Startled, I turned around to see who was talking
Tim laughed and said, “Come on in, Tobey. You got here early.”
“Yeah. I took clothes with me so I didn’t have to go home and shower and change. Now I just need to borrow your shower, Dude. I stink like hot grease. I love hamburgers and fries but I swear to God, I’m not going anywhere near either of them for a month after the stand closes this year! I smell that grease in my sleep, even.”
“Help yourself, Dude, but come meet my friend, Brian, first.”
“No way!”
“Why not?”
“First impressions are important, Timmy boy. Fifty years from now, when you two are in the old folks home, you’re going to say, ‘I wonder what ever happened to good ole Tobey?’ and Brian will say, ‘You mean that kid that smelled like grease?’ There’s no way I want to be remembered as the kid that smelled like grease, so I’ll wait until I come out smelling like an Irish spring.”
Tim laughed and said, “OK, Dude, but every second you don’t know my buddy, Bri is your loss.”
I watched as Tobey stripped to his boxers and headed for the shower. I was fascinated by him. He wasn’t a hunk...hell, he was barely cute, but there was something captivating about him. Maybe it was his plainness or his normalcy, but he did have a definite magnetism that drew me to him. This guy turned me on big time! This was something new to me. I’d been noticing boys for a long time now, but this was different. I didn’t just admire his looks, I wanted to jump his bones and make mad passionate love to his body right in the middle of Tim’s bedroom.
As Tobey closed the door to Tim’s bathroom, I looked at Tim and he was looking at me with a dour expression. I felt immediate remorse. Tim had just caught me perving on one of his straight friends! I couldn’t tell if he was angry or hurt from his expression. “I’m sorry, Tim. I didn’t mean to do that.”
“It’s okay, Bri, we’re almost eighteen years old, I think it’s about time you started looking for a boyfriend and I started looking for a girlfriend,” Tim said with resignation. “We’re growing up and need to start thinking about our futures, Bri.”
“But you’re popular with the girls, Tim, you’ve had lots of girlfriends.”
“No, I haven’t. I’ve dated lots of girls, but have never connected with one enough, yet, that I’d call her a girlfriend.”
Before I could answer, the room darkened as a mountain blocked the light from the hallway. This was the biggest guy I’d ever seen. His head nearly touched the top of the door frame as he stepped through, and there was no way I could even guess his weight. He wasn’t fat though, he was just big.
“Wassup, guys?” the mountain said.
“Hey, Bear, Tim said. “Come on in.”
“I am in, dude.” Bear laughed.
I was speechless. I could only look at Bear wide-eyed and with my mouth hanging open. Bear gave off an aura of gentleness and wasn’t the least bit frightening, in spite of his size. I could see, though, why Tim wanted him on his side in football.
“This is my friend, Brian,” Tim said, with a nod in my direction.
“Hello, friend Brian,” Bear said, extending his right hand to shake. “It’s good to finally meet you.”
“Hi, uhh....”
“Just call me Bear. Everyone else does but I don’t know why. Bears are big, dumb and ugly but none of those fit me.”
“Well, at least the big and dumb part doesn’t.” Tim laughed.
“Watch it, Pipsqueak, Bears have short fuses and get irritated easily.”
“That fits you too, Bear, and explains why Bears are becoming scarce.”
Bear had a puzzled look on his face. “How so?” he asked.
“It’s hard to make baby bears if all you have to work with is a short fuse.” Tim laughed.
“Hah! That might be true, but remember short fuses can still set off big explosions,” Bear laughed. “Hey, where’s my little brother? Your mom said he was here.”
“Shower.”
“Grease smell?”
“Yep.” Bear and Tim both started laughing then.
I was still amazed at Bear’s size. I just stood there, dumbfounded. Bear turned to me and had a wry smile on his face. “So, Brian, you’re from St. Louis, huh?” I could only nod yes.
“There must be fewer bugs down there than we have up here. If we stood around with our mouths open like that, we’d have a mouthful of bugs. You don’t have to be afraid of me, I don’t bite. Just ask if you want to know how big I am.”
Damn, was I making good first impressions on Tim’s friends. I drool over one and make a complete fool of myself with another. “OK.” I finally managed to get out.
“Uhhh, little Dude? Does ‘OK’ mean you’re asking or that you know you can ask?”
“Yes.” I said this time and sending Tim and Bear into fits of laughter.
“Dude,” Tim finally said, when he stopped laughing, “you better tell my best bud how big you are, before we have to put him out of his misery for a terminal case of loss of words. Remember, he’s just a poor, old, clueless country boy from the boonies of Missouri.”
“Yeah,” Bear laughed, “I think you’re right. I’m a little over 6’6” and a little under 300 lbs.”
“That’s pretty big,” I said, again sending the two into another laughing fit.
I was totally embarrassed at the way I had reacted to Bear’s size, and was staring at the floor looking for a hole to crawl into, so I never saw the guy come into the room or knew he was there until I heard a new voice. “Hey, guys. Wassup?”
I looked up into a face that looked like it came out of a coffee table book about Greek Gods. No, that didn’t do this guy justice. The Greek Gods would have been jealous of him and would have envied his looks. He had curly blond hair and eyes so blue it was like looking into the Aegean Sea. This guy was simply drop dead gorgeous.
“Sup, Philo?” Tim asked, while Bear merely grunted a greeting.
“Nada,” Philo said, walking over to Tim and bumping fists. “Tinkerbell’s not here yet?”
“Yeah, he came straight from work, so is taking a shower.” Tim said, ignoring the Tinkerbell remark.
“Jeez, dude, you must be glad that gay gene isn’t catching. As much time as he spends in your shower, you’d be as queer as him by now.” Both he and Tim gave a short laugh, but when Tim saw me looking at him in disbelief, he stopped laughing and looked away guiltily.
“You know, Philo,” I heard Bear say in a soft voice, “one of these days I’m going to forget my promise to Tobey. I’m going to rearrange that pretty little face of yours into the biggest piece of ground meat in the tri-state area.”
I could literally see the color drain from Philo’s face. This guy was definitely afraid of Bear. “Come on, guys,” Tim said, stepping between his two friends. “Bear, you know Philo’s only joking. He doesn’t mean anything by what he says.”
“Whatever,” Bear said, sitting back down on the edge of Tim’s bed.
I was stunned. This wasn’t the Tim I’d known and called my best friend. The Tim who had figured out that I was gay and was OK with it. This guy, Philo, had just outed one of Tim’s friends and was ridiculing gays, which included me, and he was defending him. I didn’t know what was going on, but after these guys all left tonight, Tim had some explaining to do about his “homeys.”
“Let’s not get into this tonight, guys. This is supposed to be a fun night when Brian finally gets to meet my friends up here.”
Philo turned and looked at me when Tim said this, “Oh, hey, I didn’t notice you.” He walked towards me as he was speaking and held out his hand to shake, “I’m Philo. You must be Brian, Tim’s old best friend from St. Louis.”
What the hell was with this guy? He was looking directly at me when he walked into the room, so I know he saw me. And what the hell does “old best friend” mean?
“Yeah, something like that,” I answered, ignoring his outstretched hand and sitting down next to Bear on Tim’s bed. I kept looking over at Tim, but he was doing a pretty good job of avoiding eye contact with me.
Philo looked down at his outstretched hand and withdrew it. I felt Philo staring at me as if he were reading my soul, but I wasn’t backing down, and returned his stare. After several seconds, Philo dropped his gaze, but almost immediately looked back at me and gave a little smirk. Turning to Tim, he said, “You never told us your little friend from St. Louis was the bashful type.”
‘Little friend? I got your little friend.’ I thought. I started to say something, but before I could get it out, the bathroom door opened and Tobey came out. He was still wet from his shower, with little beads of water running down his chest, forming small rivulets as they traveled across the muscles of his stomach all the way down to...OMG. He was only wearing a towel wrapped around his waist! What is going on with me today? I’ve seen guys wrapped in towels a lot of times. Was there some spigot in my body that hormones spew out of? One thing I knew for sure was that if there was such a spigot, Tobey knew how to turn it on.
He walked over to the bed and reached between Bear and I for his clothes. I was busy trying to look anywhere but at him. Tobey grabbed his boxers and walked over to the other side of me, turned to the wall, took off the towel, and began to towel himself off. Bear and Tim were talking about football practice the next morning, and I was pretending to listen and not watch Tobey.
Tobey was gay; I was gay; he was within touching distance and naked. I was doing my best not to look but couldn’t help just sort of casually glancing over occasionally to see how he was doing. But this was causing an unwanted reaction and I was beginning to feel uncomfortable.
“Dammit, Tobey! Do you have to do that in here? None of us want to be looking at your ass!”
This outburst, from Philo, silenced the conversation between Tim and Bear and both looked up in surprise. The look of surprise quickly left Bear’s face and was replaced with anger. Tim just had a lost look on his face, like he was losing control and was helpless to regain it.
“Why does my ass bother you, Philo? I don’t hear anyone else saying anything so; apparently you’re the only one even looking at it. If it bothers you so much, just close your eyes until I finish dressing.”
I knew if I stayed in the room, I was going to blow up at this homophobic friend of Tim’s, so I excused myself and went downstairs. I went out the front door and sat down on the steps as Tim’s dad was coming up the walk. “Hi, Brian, how do you like Chicago so far?”
“Hi, Pop. It’s mostly OK...a lot like St. Louis, only bigger.”
He sat down next to me on the steps and asked, “I thought Tim’s friends were coming over to meet you this afternoon?”
“They did. They’re all upstairs in Tim’s room now. I just needed some air, so I came outside for awhile.”
“Everything that’s been going on in your life is kind of overwhelming isn’t it? And now you come up here and things are different. It was you and Tim for so long, the two of you were practically joined at the hip, and now he has friends you don’t know. It makes you kind of wonder where your place in his life is right now.”
I thought about this for a bit. Was I just jealous of Tim’s new friends? Did it bother me that Tim had a life of his own and separate from mine now? “That’s not it, Pop,” I said. “I really like Bear and Tobey. I’m glad Tim has friends up here.”
“Why do I hear a silent ‘but’ in there and have the feeling that the infamous Philo is part of it?”
“It just has me confused, Pop. The Tim I knew in St. Louis would never have given someone like Philo the time of day. Up here, he calls him friend and defends him.”
“You know, we can’t always see why two people become friends. Friendship is like love, in that we accept things our friends do that we’d never tolerate from others. Tim’s mom and I don’t see what he sees in Philo either but, if we were to say something, Tim would feel we were trying to choose his friends. It’s better to just let Tim see for himself what Philo is really like. As long as Philo isn’t hurting anyone we love, we’re going to let Tim work it out on his own.
“No one says you two have to have the same friends and like the same people. What is important is that both of you remember that you’re friends and not let someone else destroy that friendship.
“Things have a way of working out, Brian. It’s not always quick enough for us and we’re not always happy with the way they turn out but all we can do is hang in there and hope for the best.” Tim’s dad gave me a hug and got up and went into the house.
I don’t know how long I sat there but was so lost in my thoughts, I barely noticed when someone sat down beside me. “Are you okay, Bri?” I heard Tim ask.
“Oh yeah, I’m just peachy keen.” I answered sarcastically.
“Yeah, I know. Things aren’t going the way I imagined they would. I thought you’d fit in with my friends up here like I did with yours down there.”
“I don’t recall any of my friends making fun of you or insulting you.”
Tim gave a deep sigh, “I warned you about his sense of humor. You guys just don’t give him a chance. You weren’t exactly friendly to him when you refused to even shake his hand. Tobey baits him like that all the time and Bear threatens him.”
“Are you listening to yourself, Tim? Bear was defending his friend, who Philo was talking about. Tobey was only doing what you and I have done in front of each other and with other friends present a thousand times. I’m gay too, remember? When he was making fun of gays, I’m one of those people he was talking about. You can’t expect me to laugh and go along with him when it’s me he was talking about. I may just be ‘the old best friend from St. Louis’ but I never thought I’d be treated like that in your home.”
“Okay, I’ll admit he crossed the line there, but all of you overreact to him.”
“We overreact? You’re down here lecturing me, and I bet you lecture Bear and Tobey too. Do you ever lecture Philo about how he acts and the things he says? How is he going to know whether he’s crossing the line, if you don’t let him know where the line is?”
Tim was quiet for a few minutes before he spoke again. “This is important to me, Bri. Can you please give it another try. I want all my friends to get along. I want my friends here to see what an awesome guy my best friend is.”
I looked over at Tim and he looked like he was about to cry. Against my better judgment, I agreed. I’d always had trouble saying no to Tim, so I’d give it another shot – for Tim though, not that asshole Philo.
We went back up to Tim’s room and when we went in, I walked over to Philo and held out my hand to shake. “I’m Brian,” I said, “we didn’t get off to a very good start but I’m willing to try again.”
Philo ignored my hand and, with a smirk, said, “So Tim had to take you to the woodshed to teach you some manners, huh?”
“Yeah, Philo,” I said, looking at Tim who’d dropped his eyes to keep from looking at me. “We were in the woodshed. Sometimes a friend has to take his friend to the woodshed to let him know when he’s crossed the line. The friend doesn’t always listen though.”
Just then, Tim’s dad came in, carrying three large pizza boxes. “A couple of you can go down and get some sodas,” he said.
“I’ll go,” I volunteered.
“I’ll help you,” Tobey said.
On the way to get the sodas, Tobey half whispered, “I get the feeling that little speech was for Tim and not Philo.”
I looked at him, smiled, and only shrugged.
The next few hours were hell for me. Bear and Tim were talking football for awhile and Philo surfed on Tim’s computer. Tobey and I just made small talk and soon Bear and Tim started talking about the girls at Tim’s new school. Bear was filling him in, with Philo joining in occasionally.
Tobey tried to join their conversation a couple times but was always cut off by Philo or Tim. I was glad I didn’t know anything about girls, so I had an excuse to just sit back and be quiet. Finally, Bear spoke up and asked Tobey what he was trying to say. I noticed that Philo or Tim, neither one, tried to interrupt this time. I guess when Bear says listen, people listen.
“There was this real cute guy that bought a soda at the stand today. He asked me my name and introduced himself. His name’s Jason. He’s starting at UC next week and came to town a week early to get to know his way around. I watched him, and when he got a little way away from the stand, he tossed his drink in a trash can and came back to get another. He told me he’d spilled the first one and then asked if I was going to be working tomorrow. I told him I worked every weekday until school started. He said, ‘Cool, see you tomorrow then, Tobey.’ I think he came back to ask me out but chickened out at the last minute.”
“Jeez, dude!” Philo said looking at Tobey. “Get a clue! We don’t want to hear all that nasty gay crap.”
“Yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever,” Tobey responded angrily. He grabbed his bag and headed for the door. He stopped before leaving, and turned around with a mix of anger and hurt on his face. “You know? You guys are real assholes sometimes.” The anger melted from his face leaving only the hurt. “I don’t know why I even try or if it’s all worth it.” he said sadly, as he closed the door behind him.
“What the hell’s wrong with him?” Philo asked as Tobey left the room.
I’d been pretty quiet just watching the four of them interact. I’d seen the hurt on Tobey’s face and had felt it myself. The comments hadn’t been aimed at me, but Philo’s comment about not wanting to hear “all that nasty gay crap” pissed me off. I felt it was aimed at all us gays. All the hurt, all the anger that had been building in me the last two and a half months just seemed to burst through and came rolling out. I looked directly at Philo, “You really don’t know what’s the matter with him?” I asked.
“How would I know?” he answered, “He’s just the ‘sensitive type’,” placing the emphasis on “sensitive” and giving a short laugh.
“What the hell do you mean by sensitive? Or is that just your little code word for gay? I thought you guys were all friends? Doesn’t it bother you just a little that you may have just lost a good friend?”
“What’s that supposed to mean? We are all friends here except for you. You’re the odd man out here!”
“Come on guys, calm down,” Tim said.
“No, Tim, not this time. I’m not going to be shut up and just let this crap slide. For over two hours now, we’ve sat here listening to you guys talk about all the hot girls you’ve met and want to hook up with. Every time Tobey tried to say something about some guy, you guys would just cut him off and go on to the next story. Well, not this time, and not with me ever again!”
“What is it, guys? Does the gay guy make you uncomfortable? It’s all a big game anyway, you know. It’s the hormones talking. Don’t you think we have hormones too? You’re supposed to be his friend and accept him as gay but you don’t,” I said, this time looking directly at Tim. “Do you think we like listening to all your stories and don’t feel a little uncomfortable? We know most of it is bullshit anyway. So would our stories be, if we were allowed to talk, but we aren’t allowed. We’re supposed to sit and let the straight guys talk, behave like the good little gays you want us to be, and to laugh at all the gay put down jokes you tell, like you’re just kidding.”
“Tobey knows we’re just kidding around,” Tim said, uncertainly.
“Does he, Tim? Or is he keeping quiet just so he has a place to belong, as long as he doesn’t make you guys too uncomfortable? Have you ever asked him? Have any of you ever asked him how he feels?”
“Real guys don’t talk about that kind of crap,” Philo said scornfully.
“So gays aren’t real guys, Philo?”
“What do you think? Tobey’s gay. He’s not a guy and he’s not a girl, he’s something else.”
“You’re absolutely right, Philo. Tobey is something else. But you know what? If he was my friend, I wouldn’t trade him for a million Philos!”
“What’s going on up here?” Dr. Mathers said, coming into the room. “Brian?”
“I came up here to get away from this kind of treatment,” I went on, ignoring Dr. Mathers, and with the tears now flowing, “but you guys are as bad as my mom and dad!” I thought for a moment and said, “No, you’re worse. At least I know where I stand with them. I’m a lowlife pervert who should be locked up to save all the real guys in the world. Does Tobey know where he stands with you guys? Are you all so busy patting yourselves on the back for being so open and accepting that you can’t see you’re not accepting him at all? All you’re doing is tolerating him as long as he doesn’t rock the boat and force you to face his gayness!”
Tim’s dad put his hand on my shoulder and asked, “Brian? What’s wrong?”
“Nothing!” I said, shrugging his hand off and running from the room. As I ran down the hall, I heard him asking Tim what was going on and he didn’t sound very happy.
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