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Freefall
By Codey
Chapter 07
I was surprised by how close we were to the lake. We were just a few blocks from Bear’s when I noticed only a few lights ahead of us. There was this huge blackness with just a few red or green flashing lights. I could hear what sounded like traffic but at this time of night there were few cars to be seen on the streets. We ran across a major street Tobey said was Lakeshore Drive, and crossed a parking area to a grassy area with a short wooden fence separating it from the beach. We stopped and looked out over the lake, and it was then I realized the noise I’d thought was traffic was actually the sound of waves. Being from the Saint Louis area, I’d never seen waves large enough to make this kind of noise. I was used to rivers and small lakes where, on a really windy day, there might be waves a couple of inches high.
I turned to Tobey, to comment on the waves, and was stopped short by the look on his face. He stood staring out over the lake as if transfixed. The look on his face reminded me of the looks on the faces of saints I’d seen in pictures of old paintings. There was this peaceful calmness that made his face seem to glow in the light from the street lights around the parking area. It was almost like he was having a religious experience, and I was mesmerized and couldn’t help staring. He seemed to sense my stare and, looking at me, gave a sheepish lopsided grin and said, “Awesome isn’t it?”
“Yeah,” was all I could answer. We stood for a few long minutes, when Tobey broke the silence.
“I love the lake. No matter how screwed up things can seem in my life, the lake can calm me. It’s been my confidant and advisor since I can remember. Whenever things get to be too much for me, I can come here and talk to the lake, and it helps me come to terms with whatever’s bothering me. It’s been a mother and father to me. If you listen, you can hear it talking to us right now.”
Again, all I could say was, “Yeah.” The sound made by the waves did sound like murmuring and you could almost make out what they were saying. “Tobey?” I asked.
“What?”
“Can I ask about your parents? It’s OK if it’s something you don’t want to talk about.”
A look of sadness washed across Tobey’s face and then was gone. He stepped over the short fence and sat in the sand, leaning back against the fence. I followed him and settled next to him, not close enough to touch, but close enough to hear over the waves. “It’s OK, Brian. It’s all a long time ago. My dad’s in prison for murder. He’ll never be out. He was a small time drug dealer and a drug deal went bad. A guy was killed and my dad and another guy were convicted of his murder. Heh, at least we say he was my dad. We don’t know for sure who my dad is, but this was the guy my mom was living with at the time.”
“My mom was, or maybe even still is, a street addict. I have no idea whether she’s still alive or not. We lived in a welfare hotel run by an old lady, since her husband had had a couple heart attacks and wasn’t able to work anymore. Mom would go off and leave me alone for days at a time, and when the other residents would complain about my crying from hunger, the lady that ran the place would come up and get me and take me home with her.”
“I don’t remember my mom at all but I do remember the time I spent with the old lady and her husband. They would clean me up and feed me and keep me until time for the caseworker to show up, and then Mom would demand me back so she’d be cleared for the next welfare check and food stamps. As soon as she got the money, she’d go off, leaving me alone, and the old lady would take me home with her again.”
By now, tears were rolling down Tobey’s cheeks, but the tone of his voice never changed. It was almost like he was talking about someone else. I moved closer to him in support and was near tears myself.
“One day, Mom came downstairs and told the lady she had some things to do and left. We never saw her again. I went home with the old lady and am still there. She became my nana and her husband was my papaw.”
“I don’t remember my mom at all, but we celebrate the day she abandoned me every year.”
“You celebrate your mom leaving you?”
“Not her leaving. Nana had no idea what my given name was or when I was born. All she’d ever heard my mom call me was ‘kid’ or ‘the kid.’ She couldn’t very well ask the welfare people for fear they’d take me away, so she named me Tobias Demetri after her grandfather. She got a birth certificate showing she was my mom’s mother and another for me listing her last name as my mom’s maiden name to prove she was my grandmother. She decided to use the date my mom left as my birth date, since I was reborn as a new person then. I have no idea what my given name was or even how old I really am.”
“Jeez, Dude. That’s a sad story.” I put an arm around him and gave him a hug, as tears streamed down both our faces.
“In a way, yeah, but it’s also a happy story. Who knows what would have happened to me or how I’d have turned out if my mom hadn’t left that day, or Nana had turned me over to the welfare people when she didn’t come back. I could be dead or in jail right now. No, Brian, being abandoned by my mom led to the best thing that has ever happened to me in my life. I’ll never be able to repay Nana for taking me in and raising me.”
We sat there for awhile with my arm still around him and our heads leaning towards each other and touching. Nothing had ever felt more right in my life, and I could have stayed that way the rest of the night, but he sat up and started taking his shoes off. “Let’s go walk by the water,” he said, tying his shoelaces together and stuffing his socks in his shoes. He stood and waited until I’d done the same, then reached down for my hand and helped me up. We stood there a few seconds, looking in each other’s eyes, before he let go of my hand, and turning towards the water, said, “Come on.”
We walked along the beach for awhile, playing tag with the waves, and soon were both soaked to above the knees. I couldn’t believe how cold the water was, considering it was near the end of August. When I said something about it, Tobey laughed and told me I was a hick and just used to little farm ponds. He said Lake Michigan was over fifty miles wide, three hundred miles long, and nine hundred feet deep. The Chicago summers weren’t long enough to warm the waters much and they rarely got higher than the mid- to upper seventies. We’d come to a rock jetty and he started climbing up the rocks. “Come on,” he said, grabbing my hand to help me up, “I want to show you something. Be careful, the rocks might be a little slippery.”
We walked a couple hundred feet out on the jetty. Away from the glare of the lights near the beach, the view was amazing. The darkness of the lake really stood out now, broken only by the flashing navigation lights at the end of the jetty and by an occasional set of lights from small boats out on the water. I noticed what appeared to be a small island that was all lit up with lights off in the distance but too far to make out. “What’s that?” I asked pointing to the lights.
“A ship. Probably an ore freighter taking iron ore to the mills at Gary.”
“There are ships that big on the Great Lakes?”
“Yeah, but that’s not what I wanted you to see.” Pointing straight across the lake, he told me, “Look over there. What do you see?”
I looked, but couldn’t see anything, and told him so. “Just keep looking that direction and nowhere else. Let your eyes get used to the dark.”
The dark was so intense that you couldn’t make out where the water ended and the sky started. Then it began to appear, a glow in the sky like the sun makes just before it rises, only a lot dimmer. “What’s that glow?”
“Ahhh, now you see it. That’s Michigan. That glow is caused by the lights in Benton Harbor and Saint Joseph Michigan. They’re on the Eastern shore and over fifty miles from where we’re standing.”
“Wow.”
“You should see the view from the observation deck in the Sears Tower. Actually, you should see it twice, once in daylight and again after dark. Maybe you could meet me when I get off work tomorrow and I could show you. Then we could go eat and go back after dark.”
“That sounds like a lot of fun, if I’m still here,” I said, suddenly feeling the sadness again.
“Keep the faith, Brian,” Tobey said and walked over and hugged me, “keep the faith.”
We walked in silence back up the jetty to the shoreline. There was no wave tag or playing as we walked back towards the parking area. Our moods had turned somber and it seemed neither of us could find words to describe our feelings. Tobey finally broke our silence. “Tim said you were having trouble at home. Is that why you’re up here?”
“Yeah.” My answer was followed by more silence from Tobey. I looked over at him, and he was looking at me like he was waiting for more. I sighed and began telling him my story. How I’d struggled for months with the decision of whether to tell my parents I was gay. About the guilt I felt because I thought I was living a lie and deceiving them.
I went on to tell him about how the first couple weeks were strained, but how sure I was that they’d soon be over their discomfort, and accept me for who I was. But as time went on, I’d realized telling them was a horrible mistake. How I felt I’d lost their love.
As I talked, I felt there was something missing that I couldn’t put my finger on. Then it hit me. There were no tears this time. The hurt wasn’t gone, but had been pushed to the side by anger. I stopped talking and turned to face the lake. I picked up a few small stones from the beach and began throwing them as far out into the water as I could. It was like I was trying to throw away the anger that had been building for the last few months; an anger that, I felt, was beginning to overwhelm me.
Tobey came over and stood beside me. He’d also picked up some stones and was throwing them into the water. “What are you thinking?” he asked.
“I’m afraid, Tobey. I’m angry and afraid of what that anger is doing to me. Afraid of how easy it would be to start hating people I should love. I’m afraid I’ve let that anger ruin the best friendship I’ll ever have.”
“You didn’t ruin anything with Tim. If anything, what happened last night is going to make your friendship more solid. You and Tim have the same problem. You both have placed the other on a pedestal and haven’t been able to see that you’re both human and make human mistakes. Last night, you saw the human side of Tim and he saw it in you. Talk it out with him and just get on with your friendship. Jeez, Dude. You act like this is the first argument the two of you have ever had.”
“It is.”
Tobey’s mouth gaped in amazement. “Damn, Dude, maybe you two are right and you’re both saints. Even old married couples argue. I can’t believe the two of you never disagreed about anything.”
“There was just never anything that seemed important enough to fight over.”
“Something doesn’t have to be important for friends to argue over. Bear and I argue over a lot of things. Some are important and some just plain dumb. We once got into a fist fight over a rock.”
“A rock?” I couldn’t help laughing, “This, I have to hear.”
Tobey smiled and said, “I know it sounds stupid, but that rock is what sealed our friendship. We were ten, and Bear went to the beach with Nana and I. We found this amazing rock. We thought it must be magical. It was solid black except for a white streak that ran through it. The streak was a perfect lightning bolt. We both wanted that rock more than anything.”
“We both claimed we’d seen it first and so it should be ours, and the next thing we knew, we were rolling in the sand, punching at each other. Even at ten, Bear was much bigger than me, and I didn’t stand a chance. I ended up with a bloody nose and a black eye, but got in a few punches of my own. Nana was furious, and broke up the fight. She gave me a towel to hold against my nose and grabbed each of us by an ear and marched us home. We went by Bear’s to drop him off, and the last thing I saw as he walked up to his front door was that damned rock. He was carrying it like some kind of treasure, and I knew it should be mine.”
“While she was taking care of my bloody nose and then fixing an ice-bag for my eye, Nana was reading me the riot act. She said for the first time, I’d shamed her. I felt really bad about hurting Nana, but still wanted that rock.”
“Lord of the Rings,” I said, smiling. “Like when Sméagol and his friend were fishing, and the friend found the ring and Sméagol wanted it too.”
Tobey laughed. “Yeah, except Bear didn’t kill me for that rock. I was so angry at Bear, I decided never to speak to him again.”
“How did you guys make up?”
“I was sitting on our front steps the next morning, planning my revenge on Bear, when I saw him coming down the street. He was carrying a small box wrapped in yellow paper and with the ugliest bow I’d ever seen on it. He walked up and sat next to me. He was sporting a black eye of his own, and I felt glad I’d given it to him. ‘I’m sorry about yesterday,’ he said. ‘This is for you. I wrapped it myself.’. I didn’t say anything, but took the box anyway and unwrapped it. He’d made a nest of cotton balls and put the rock on them. I was puzzled, and it must have shown on my face. ‘Even if this was the biggest diamond in the world, I’d rather be your friend than have it.’ ”
“All my anger at Bear melted away, and all I could say was, ‘Me too.’ ”
“So what happened to the rock?”
“That became the next argument,” Tobey laughed. “Now, we were each determined that the other should have the rock. We finally decided the rock was evil magic, not good magic. We took it down here to the beach and I threw it as far as I could into the lake.”
“So, his giving the rock back to you strengthened your friendship?”
“No, the rock had little to do with it. What made our friendship stronger was knowing that even a fight couldn’t destroy it. That we could argue and disagree and still be friends.”
“And you think Tim and I should argue?”
“No, but I think you do need to realize that it’s OK to disagree and to talk about things the other does that bother you. Do you honestly think Tim would have gone along with Philo’s so-called joking last night, if he knew how bad it hurt either of us?”
“A few months ago, I would have said no, but I don’t know that now.”
“Well I do. You’ll just have to tell Tim.”
Now it was my turn to laugh, except mine was ironic, “You mean like I’ve been telling him for three years, and just been ignored? Every time I get upset about something having to do with being gay, I rant, and he appears to be listening, but he’s not. He’s just waiting until I get it out of my system; then he changes the subject to something normal.”
“Maybe seeing you hurt the way you were last night has him ready to listen.”
“Maybe.” We’d gotten back to the grassy area and were brushing the sand off our feet and getting our shoes back on.
“You’ll never know for sure, unless you get this talked out soon. You said earlier, you were afraid the anger was going to cost you your best friend. Do you think it’s going to go away by itself, or are you going to face that fear, and find out for sure where you stand with Tim?”
I had my shoes on now, and was sitting on the little fence, watching Tobey. If I hadn’t been in such a foul mood, I’d have been laughing at him. He was determined to get every bit of the sand off, and had put his socks on and taken them back off several times. He’d turn them inside out and beat them against the fence to knock more sand off. I finally couldn’t take it any more and said, “If you ever decide to quit playing with your socks and put them and your shoes on, I think I’m ready to go face Tim now.”
“Nope. Not yet.” He said, as he put his shoes on.
“For hours, you’ve been after me to go talk to Tim, and the sooner the better, but now you say not yet?”
“Except for an hour or so on the beach, this has been a long, stressful night for the both of us. I think we deserve a break. We need a play date.”
“A play date?” I laughed. “I haven’t had a play date since I was eight or nine.”
“Well, you’re due then. Would you care to accompany me to the playground?” he asked very formally.
“Why, thank you, sir. I’d be honored to.”
Bowing at the waist and with a wave of his arm, he said, “After you.”
“No, no, after you,” I said.
“After you. I insist.”
“After you, and I insist even more.”
“Hey! What gives?” Tobey laughed. “Here I’m trying to be a polite host and give my guest the honor of going first, and he refuses.”
“And I’m trying to be a polite guest and not get me or my host lost. This guest doesn’t have the slightest idea where he is, let alone where this playground is.”
“Aha! In that case, how about we go at the same time?”
“Brilliant compromise, sir, just brilliant!” and we headed off to the playground.
It turned out we were just about five blocks from the park, and when we got to the park entrance, I stopped and looked around. I told Tobey this all looked familiar, and he pointed out we were only three blocks from Tim’s. The bus stop where I’d run by him earlier was just across the street.
We’d barely entered the park, when he hit me on the upper arm and yelled, “Tag, you’re it!” and took off running.
I chased him all through the park. On a straight stretch, I’d gain and almost catch him, but he had the advantage of being familiar with the park, and knew where he could run into some trees or bushes, if I were getting too close. We were both yelling and laughing. He would taunt me for not catching him, and I’d threaten him with dire punishments when I did catch him. I finally caught up with him at the playground section, “Tag and no tags back.” I said.
He just stood there with this goofy smile on his face. He looked at me and then at the swings we’d stopped near. “Swings,” he said with that goofy smile getting bigger.
I looked at the swings and then, with my own goofy grin spreading across my face, yelled, “Yeah, swings!” and we each grabbed a swing, and soon were pumping skyward. “I’ve always loved swings,” I said. “I feel like I can almost touch the sky.”
“Where does the sky start?” he asked.
“Huh?”
“I think the sky starts where the ground ends, so we are touching the sky.”
“Yeah, you’re right. Hey world! Look at us! We’re touching the sky!”
After a little while, Tobey jumped off his swing and ran over to the monkey bars. Soon, we were both hanging by one arm, and scratching our ribs with the other, and chattering like monkeys at each other. I think we made the rounds of all the playground equipment at least twice, and were sitting on the teeter-totter resting, when Tobey looked at his watch and said, “Damn, it’s after three am. I have to be at work at eight. We better get you to Tim’s, so I can get home and get a few hours sleep.”
“Jeez, Dude. Why didn’t you say you had to work tomorrow? I’m sorry I made you miss your sleep because of my problems.”
“You didn’t make me do anything, Brian. I’ve been with you because I wanted to.”
After we’d crossed the main road and were going down Tim’s street, I felt Tobey’s hand brush mine and hold it briefly. When he let go, I reached for his, and spread my fingers so they could intertwine with his. He looked over at me, and I just smiled. He smiled back, and we walked hand in hand.
After a little while, I asked if he thought this was the way it would really be. “What do you mean?” he asked.
“Like when we start meeting people and go on real dates. Do you think it’ll be like tonight?”
He seemed to think for a minute before he answered. “Yeah. Yeah, I do, but only if we’re with the right person. And besides, as far as I’m concerned this was a real date. I met this really nice guy tonight and asked him on a play date and he said yes. I’ve had a great time too, and all my dates from now on are going to have to be really good, to match up to this one.”
“Yeah, it was a date wasn’t it? That makes this my first date, and I’ve had a great time too. It’s been the first time in months I could say that and mean it.”
“My first date too.”
We’d reached Tim’s house and we both knew the date was over. “Thanks, Tobey.”
“For what?”
“For being there for me tonight.”
“You were there for me too, you know.”
I started to go up to the house, but my hand didn’t seem to want to let go of his. I stepped back towards him, and we both looked down at our interlocked fingers. We looked up and smiled at each other, and without willing it, we both leaned in and we were kissing. My God! We were kissing! I couldn’t believe it! I was kissing another boy and he was kissing me back. It wasn’t a passionate kiss, more like a ‘thank you, friend’ kiss, but it was a kiss! My first kiss! Damn!
I watched until Tobey reached the corner. He seemed to know I’d be watching, and waved when he reached the corner where he turned and headed for home. I was still overwhelmed by my first date and first kiss, and almost felt like I was floating up the sidewalk to Tim’s, but suddenly a voice brought me back to reality.
“Where the hell have you been? It’s after three in the morning, and I’ve been worried to death about you!”
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