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Freefall
By Codey
Chapter 10a – Jason’s Story
The four of us stopped to rest and catch our breath at the fountain near the center of the park. We sat on the short wall holding in the water, the mist from the fountain cooling us. Jason looked thoughtful. “What do you suppose they do with all the money?”
“What does who do with what money?” Tim asked in confusion.
“The city, or park department, with all the coins people throw into the fountain.”
“I remember from somewhere, but I don’t remember where, that they get several hundred dollars a week from the fountain,” Tobey said.
We all turned to look into the water, in the fountain’s pool, at this. Nearly the whole bottom was covered with coins. There was plenty of copper showing but a surprising amount of silver sparkled in the sunlight among the orange of the copper.
“I heard that they’ve found everything from pennies to twenty dollar gold pieces in there,” Tobey continued. “Once there was even a cigar tube with ten one hundred dollar bills sealed inside!”
“I thought you were supposed to throw a penny in and make a wish,” Tim said. “Why would anyone throw in more money?”
“Desperation,” Jason replied sadly. “I think the pennies represent fun wishes. People and kids throw pennies because they’re supposed to and it’s all in fun. No one really believes their wish will come true. Those who throw silver or larger amounts do it in desperation. Things are so bad in their lives that they are desperate and willing to try anything to make things better.”
Tim laughed at this. “How can anyone believe that crap? I mean, everyone knows that wishing doesn’t work.”
“I agree, and I’m sure those people also knew, intellectually, that wishing wouldn’t work. It could be, though, that these people were so desperate because of the way their lives were going, that they were at the end of their ropes and were willing to try anything.”
I was watching Jason, as he spoke, and got the sense that there’d been a time in his life that he’d felt that kind of desperation. I had to admit to myself that I, too, felt that kind of desperation right now. My life was out of control and I had no idea how to regain control.
Jason looked at Tim with a mixed expression. It was mostly sad, but there was a hint of anger there too. “Think about those people. What happened to them after their desperate try at changing their lives? Did the person who threw in a thousand dollars see any change in their life? Did the homeless person see any change after throwing in their last quarter? The kids or adults who tossed in their pennies went on about their lives, giving no thought to the pennies they’d tossed into the fountain. It was all just part of a fun day at the park. What about the desperate people though? How many of them, after seeing no change in their lives, went on to take the final desperate solution to their circumstances? How many were still alive, a week, a month or a year after their day in the park?”
Jason looked sadly into the pool. “When I see all that silver, all I can see are all those people making desperate wishes.”
Tim looked properly chastened and we all fell silent. We were all looking into the pool and lost in our own thoughts. “I never really thought of it that way,” Tim said, ruefully.
We sat in silence for a long time, and then Tobey took off his shoes and socks, rolled up his pants legs and turned to face the pool, letting his feet dangle in the water. The other three of us soon followed suit. “No wading, boys,” we heard a gruff voice say.
“We’re not wading, we’re dangling,” Tobey answered, impishly. “I don’t see a ‘No Dangling’ sign, Dan.”
The gruff voice laughed and we turned to see a Park Department policeman standing there. “I’m going to keep my eyes on you, Tobey. If your pants legs get wet, I’m going to ticket you.”
“What if I took my pants off so they wouldn’t get wet?” Tobey asked, laughing.
“I’d know as soon as I saw all the gay guys in the park running towards the fountain.” Dan laughed. “And then, I’d be forced to call your granny to come and get you. You wouldn’t like that, I bet.”
“No way!” Tobey said, drawing back in mock fear. “Having her pluck me out of this pool in my underwear is a once in a lifetime occurrence! Believe me, once is more than enough,” Tobey said, laughing even harder. “Hey, guys. This man in blue is our local protector. The city doesn’t trust him driving a squad car, so he’s been walking the park beat for about a hundred years.”
Dan gave a hearty laugh, “Well, not quite a hundred years, and as far as that accident goes, I still say that boat should have yielded to my lights and siren. Besides, it wasn’t all that serious, they had the drawbridge repaired and the road reopened in a week. That’s fast for Chicago’s Street Department!”
“I’m glad to meet you guys,” he said, after Tobey had told him our names. “I certainly hope you aren’t going to let this rascal talk you into anything illegal.”
“Dan! You know I’m not a lawbreaker!” Tobey said. “I may bend or twist a few but I never completely break them.”
Dan laughed again, “Fair enough, Tobey. You’re going to make a great lawyer some day,” he said with a smirk. “You guys enjoy yourselves today, and Tobey, say hello to your grandmother for me,” Dan said, walking away smiling.
I looked at Tobey after Dan had left, “OK, you have to explain this one. You were in the pool in your underwear?” I asked, barely able to hold a straight face.
“What can I say?” Tobey said, smirking. “I was six years old, it was hot, Nana fell asleep on those benches over there and the water looked cool. I didn’t want my church pants to get ruined so I took them off and jumped in. Nana was awakened by the commotion and laughter of all the people and she got to the pool about the same time as Dan. He was yelling at me to get out but I was scared of him so I kept trying to keep the fountain between us. It turned out I’d have probably been safer with him than Nana. She kicked off her shoes, pulled her dress between her legs and tucked it into her belt and came into the pool after me. She grabbed me by the ear and lecturing me in Greek, which, thankfully, I didn’t understand; she marched me to the side of the pool and pulled me over the wall by my ear. Then the real embarrassment happened! She told me I couldn’t wear my good pants over my wet underwear and made me strip naked in front of all those people and put my pants on without underwear. Have you ever been six and naked in front of a bunch of strangers?”
By now, it was all the other three of us could do to keep from falling into the pool from laughing so hard.
“That’s how I met Dan. He felt so sorry for me for being stripped in public, that he didn’t even lecture me. All he did was say he’d be keeping his eye on me whenever I was in the park. He’s become like a second grandfather to me and a really great friend.”
“Something like that happened to Brian when he was about fifteen. Lucky for him he was wearing a jock strap,” Tim said, snickering.
“Well, it wasn’t really in public. I was just surrounded by teammates,” I added. “We were scrimmaging at soccer practice when it happened. We were playing shirts against skins and I was a skin.”
“A lot more skin than they planned on though, I bet!” Tim laughed.
“A lot more than I planned on showing too,” I laughed. “Our friend, Freddy, and I got our legs tangled, going for the ball, and we ended up on the ground. He stood up first and was standing on the bottom of the leg on my soccer shorts. When I stood up, my shorts didn’t, and I was standing there in my jock with the waist band of my shorts at my knees.”
Everyone laughed again and Tobey turned to Tim, “How about you, Tim? Have you ever been naked in public?”
“I lost my baggies once at the public pool, in a dive, but they didn’t come all the way off and no one noticed. What about you, Jason?”
Jason looked like he was going to say something, but replied with sadness in his voice. “Yeah, it happened once, but it wasn’t funny like with you guys.” The tone in his voice told us he didn’t want to talk about it, so we lapsed into silence again.
“So, how old are you, Jason?” Tim asked, breaking the silence.
“I just turned twenty-one.”
“Really?” Tobey asked. “You look a lot younger.”
“I know.”
“Brian and I’ll be eighteen in about a week but Tobey won’t be eighteen until next February,” Tim said.
“You’re all high school seniors, then?” Jason said, giving Tim a funny look.
“Yeah,” Tim answered, as the two of them locked eyes. It was clear the two of them were having an unspoken conversation, but I had no clue as to what it was.
“You said you were going to the University of Chicago this year, didn’t you?” Tobey asked Jason, changing the subject.
“Yeah, I’ll be a junior there this year.”
“Where’d you go before?” Tim asked.
“I did my first two years at a small junior college downstate. I got a couple of small scholarships, so I decided to come here and get a more prestigious degree.”
“That’s where I’m going too,” Tobey said. “If we can afford it. What are you studying?”
“Pre-law. I want to be a lawyer.”
“Me too,” Tobey said.
“Are your folks going to be able to swing it?”
“I don’t have a mom or dad, I live with my Nana, and she says not to worry about it, that she has it covered.”
Jason looked at Tobey and nodded, “Cool. What about you guys?” he asked, turning to Tim and me.
“I haven’t decided for sure, but something in medicine, probably sports medicine,” Tim answered.
They all looked at me and I could only shrug. “I haven’t got the slightest idea what I want to be,” I said defensively. “I guess I just want to be alive.”
Tim and Tobey both looked at me with apprehension clear on their faces. “Why do you say that?” Jason asked me quietly.
I don’t know what it was about him, but something made me feel like opening up to him. I felt I could trust him. I started telling him what was going on in my life and, before I knew it, I was telling him everything. Every little snide remark from my parents, every little hurtful thing they did. Tim and Tobey just looked at me with their mouths open. Tobey had never been told the whole story and even Tim had never heard all the details. Jason was slowly nodding, in what seemed to be understanding, as I unloaded on them.
By the time I’d finished, there were tears running down my cheeks and I was shaking in anger. Jason shocked me when he looked at me and said “Good!”
“Good?” I asked angrily. “You think it’s good that my parents treated me this way?”
“No, of course not. I mean it’s good that you’re angry. The anger gives you a reason to live and not do anything stupid like you’ve thought about.”
“How do you know I thought about that?”
“Because, I’ve been there, only I waited too long to get angry. I nearly died. You know what I decided, laying there in that hospital? If I’d died, the only problems I’d have solved were the problems other people had with me and my sexuality. Their problems would be over because I was dead and gone, but I’d have just wasted my life and died with my problems unsolved.”
“You tried to kill yourself?” He only nodded sadly. “But why?” I asked.
Jason looked around and, for the first time, I became aware of all the people around us. At first I felt embarrassed, that some of these people were listening, but decided I never had to see these people again and, just maybe, hearing my story might make some of them treat their children better if any of them turned out to be gay.
“Let’s move over there.” Jason said, pointing to a grassy area with few people. We gathered our shoes and socks and hurriedly walked across the hot paving, which was uncomfortably hot on our bare feet, to the cooler grassy area. We sat in a circle and waited for Jason to gather his thoughts.
He sat silently for several minutes before finally speaking. “I guess the best way to explain is to tell you the whole story. I want you to know, though, that I’m not looking for and don’t need sympathy from anyone. My life is what it is and was what it was. I played as big a part in nearly everything that happened as did anyone else. I’m not telling you guys my story because someone isn’t sure of my intentions towards his friend.” He was looking at Tim as he said this. Tim got a sheepish look on his face and looked down at the ground. “And I’m not telling you just to satisfy your curiosity about a new guy you just met.”
“I’m telling you my story because Brian needs to hear it.” He looked at me as he said this and gave me a reassuring smile. “Brian’s lucky that he has some great friends to support him. Support from friends isn’t always enough, though. When it’s you it’s happening to, you feel separate and alone no matter how much support you have from friends or even some family members. Brian needs to hear this so he’ll know he isn’t alone, that he isn’t the only person who’s been through this.”
He sat, staring into space for a few seconds, before looking back at me and speaking. “You asked why I tried killing myself. Well, probably for many of the same reasons you’ve thought about it. I think, though, that starting at the beginning will help explain it for you.”
“I was born in a small town, downstate, and lived there until I was twenty and moved to Chicago this spring. Shortly after I was born, my dad developed testicular cancer, and the surgery and treatment left him unable to father any more children. Knowing that they’d never have other children, both of my parents doted on me, especially my dad. We were best buddies. Maybe because he knew he’d never see me grow up, he went out of his way to spend as much time with me as possible. We went fishing, even though he hated fishing, and he’d get as excited as I did every time I caught one. We’d drive the two hours to Saint Louis to see a baseball or football game, several times a year. I liked the football games but baseball bored me. It was fun, though, because I was with Dad and we were best buddies.”
“When I was eight, his cancer returned and had spread. He never gave up though; he fought it all the way. God, did he fight it! There was just too much of it though. He was in so much pain that Mom and I were actually relieved when the end came. He wasn’t suffering any more.”
“What I remember the most about this time was that, no matter how bad he felt or how much he was in pain, he never had anything but a smile for me. He’d snap at the nurse who came every day and even snapped at Mom a few times, but never me. He’d smile at me and we’d hold hands and he’d tell me that no matter what happened, we’d always be best buddies.”
Jason’s face was a mask of sadness. He stopped speaking and looked lost in thought. When he spoke again, you could hear the despair of losing the father he so obviously loved, who had loved him so much. “I must have cried for a month after he died. When I’d wake up in the mornings, my pillow would be wet, so I was even crying in my sleep. When Mom would hear me crying or see me crying, she’d take me in her arms and just hold me. She’d tell me I was her little man and that she loved me and we’d make it through this together. I didn’t want to be a little man...I wanted to be a little boy and have my daddy back.”
“Mom was right though, we did make it through it and we did it together. She always said we were a great team and that some day, when I’d found the right girl, we’d have another teammate. We’d sit around the table after dinner and she’d talk about the kind of girl I should look for, and told me how much I’d love being a daddy, and how sure she was that I’d be as good a daddy as my own was. That became my goal, to be as good a daddy as my daddy was.”
“In the spring of my tenth year, I decided it was time to start doing my share to support our two person family. I started asking our neighbors if I could mow their yards on Saturday. Most thought I was too young and only our next door neighbor lady agreed to let me mow hers. Her name was Gladys and had never been married. She’d always baby sat me when Mom and Dad would go out and I loved her like a grandmother. After I finished her lawn, I went to collect my money, and she walked around the yard with me to check my work before paying. She told me I did a good job, and if I did it this good for all my customers, I’d have more lawns to mow than I wanted. I told her that wouldn’t be a problem, because she was my only customer; that everyone else thought I was too young to do a good job.”
“ ‘They do, do they? You know, Jay, I’ve spent my life in sales and I always loved the customers who were skeptical of buying from me because I was a woman. The money I earned from them was always sweeter to me. Why don’t you come inside and I’ll give you your money and a soda, and then we’ll sit down and try to figure you out a gimmick.’ ”
“ ‘OK,’ I told her, ‘but I don’t know what a gimmick is.’ She laughed and told me she’d explain it inside. We went in the house and she paid me, gave me an orange soda, and sat down at the table across from me.”
“ ‘There are two things you’re going to need,’ she told me. ‘References, and something to make the customer think they want or need your service. I’m your reference; you can have people call me to see if I think you’ll do a good job. The need is already there; everyone needs their lawns mowed by someone. That leaves us with trying to make them see that they want you to do their mowing. Do you have any idea how you can do that?’ ”
“ ‘No, ma’am.’ ”
“ ‘Well, how about this? You go see these people again and tell them you’re willing to mow their lawn, and when they check it out, if they don’t think you did a good job, they won’t have to pay you.’ ”
“ ‘Do you think that’ll really work?’ I asked.”
“ ‘Honey, we never know what will work until we try it. If something doesn’t work, we try something else.’ ”
“I did what she said, and by that afternoon, I’d mowed two more lawns and had three other people tell me I could mow theirs the next weekend. I never had a customer refuse to pay me either.”
“When I got home that afternoon, I was so proud that I could help out. I walked up to Mom and handed her the thirty dollars I’d earned that day. She asked where I’d gotten the money and I told her about mowing lawns to help her out with the bills. She smiled and hugged me and told me how proud she was of her little man, but that she didn’t need the money. Dad had plenty of insurance, so we were in good shape with the bills. She told me I should stick my mowing money under my mattress and save it for something special I wanted.”
“That’s what I did. By the time school was out, I was mowing ten lawns a week. Over the summer, it went up to about fifteen a week, and I took most of the money and stuffed it under my mattress. I paid for the gas, oil and the occasional spark plug for the mower, but rarely spent any of the rest of it.”
“One day that fall, when there were no more lawns to mow until spring, Mom decided to clean my room before winter. When I got home from school, she was sitting at the table with stacks of money in front of her.”
“ ‘Do you know what this is?’ she asked me.”
“ ‘It’s money.’ ”
“ ‘Where’d it come from?’ ”
“ ‘I don’t know.’ ”
“ ‘I’ll tell you then. I changed the bedding on your bed today and decided to flip your mattress. When I did this money went all over the place. Where did you get this much money, Jay?’ ”
“ ‘Ohhh, that’s my mowing money.’ ”
“ ‘This is the money you made mowing this summer? Do you know how much there is here?’ ”
“ ‘No, I never counted it.’ She looked at me and slowly shook her head side to side.”
“ ‘There’s over twelve hundred dollars here! Do you have any idea how much money that is?’ ”
“ ‘No, is it a lot?’ ”
“ ‘It’s a lot for an eleven year old to have under his mattress! We’re going to the bank Saturday morning and opening an account for you.’ ”
“I asked her if she was mad at me, and she came over and hugged me. She told me that she wasn’t angry, and in fact, was proud of me and was sure Dad would have been too. She told me this showed that I’d be a good provider for my own family some day.”
“– Did you really not count the money?” I asked. Not counting the money you’d earned or knowing how much you had was foreign to me. Sometimes, after a long day of mowing, I’d count my earnings three or four times on the walk home.
“No, not then, but believe me, I count the money now and can tell you, within a few cents, how much money I have on me or in the bank at any given time. You have to remember that I’d barely turned eleven and really knew nothing about money, except it was something you needed to pay bills and buy things. Mom and Dad had always gotten me everything I needed, and most of what I wanted. I’d never been taught the value of money, and all I knew about it was when the ice cream truck rang it’s bell, I’d run in the house to get fifty cents from Mom or Dad for an ice cream bar.”
“The next two years were great,” Jason continued wistfully. “We were a team, Mom and I. I found that I enjoyed mowing lawns and doing odd jobs for my neighbors. Every Saturday morning, I went to the bank and deposited the money I’d earned during the week. I began to keep close watch on the amount I had in the bank as it grew. I’m sure my mom’s comment about me being a good provider for my own family was what got me interested in my finances. I was determined to be as good a father and provider as my dad had been.”
“I was twelve when puberty started and I began to suspect that I was different than my friends. They stopped talking about all the things boys talk about, and started talking about girls and who was hot and who was not. I didn’t think girls were hot at all; I thought some of my friends were. Instinctively, I never told them this. I’d heard all the faggot and pervert remarks, so I knew this was something to keep to myself and just go along with them with all the girl talk.”
“During the summer, when I was thirteen and shortly before my fourteenth birthday, Mom told me that since I was growing up and was busy with my mowing and hanging out with friends, that she thought she was going to look for a job as a way to get out and spend time with people her own age. We didn’t need the money, but just as I needed friends my age, it was time for her to have friends her age. We’d still be a team, she said, but when you grow up, you need more independence, and this would give both of us the independence we needed.”
“I could understand this, as I was spending more and more time with my friends and thought it was a good idea.”
“During this time period, I was becoming more and more conflicted about hiding my sexuality from her. She continued talking about my future family, as if it was already a fact. I stayed as quiet as I could, but was becoming more and convinced that I’d never have a family of my own, and the guilt of hiding this from her was growing. I wanted to tell her, but deep down, I knew it would destroy her dreams of our future.”
“I became more withdrawn from her and I could tell she noticed. At first, I think she thought it was just a normal part of growing up, but soon, she noticed my withdrawal from friends too.”
“This all came to a head the Thanksgiving after my fourteenth birthday. We’d celebrated alone, as usual, and after dinner she was talking about how thankful she was to have a son like me. As she started in with the talk of what a great father I was going to be and how she’d be so happy when I was able to give her grandchildren, I couldn’t take any more and tears began running down my face. Of course, she noticed and asked what was wrong. She sat next to me and hugging me to her; told me I could talk about anything with her...that was what mothers were for, she said.”
“So I told her. I told her about my feelings for other boys. I told her I’d probably never have kids and that she’d probably never have grandchildren. I told her I was gay.”
“She looked shocked, but then told me I was too young to know I was gay, that this was just a phase I was going through. She was sure I’d soon outgrow these feelings.”
“ ‘No, Mom,’ I said. ‘I know I’m gay. I’ll never outgrow this.’ ”
“ ‘I see,’ she said. She let go of me and got up and walked out of the room. Those were the last civil words I ever heard my Mom say to me.”
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