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Freefall
By Codey
Chapter 01
“So...?”
“So what?”
“So you’ve decided to tell them?” he said with a trace of exasperation in his voice.
“Yea...tonight after dinner.”
“How do you think they’ll take it?”
“I don’t know, Tim. I just know I have to tell them. Since you moved last month, I don’t have anywhere I can be myself or anyone I can be the real me or talk with about it.”
“Are you sure this is the right time? I mean, don’t you think it might be better to wait until next year when you’re out of school and ready to go to college?”
“There’s never going to be a right time, so now’s as good a time as any.”
“Whatever you decide, you know I have your back, dude.”
“Thanks, Tim.”
“Uhhhh...Brian?”
“What?”
“Promise me something?”
“Sure...if it’s something I can do.”
“Promise me that if things don’t go well, that you won’t go doing something stupid. You know...like running off and disappearing or some dumb crap like that.”
“I might not have a choice if they don’t want me here anymore.”
“Look Bri, if it comes to that, you call and we’ll get you a ticket and you come up to Chicago. I know my parents would be glad to let you stay with us and finish school.”
“Yea, right. My parents kick me out for being gay and your parents are going to let me come up and stay with them and their straight son...dream on, bud.”
“I’m serious, Brian. Call us anytime, day or night, and we’ll be there for you.”
“How can you be so sure how your folks will take the news?”
“They never chased you off any time in the last couple of years, did they?”
“They know? Damn you, Tim!! You promised you wouldn’t tell anyone. How could you do that to me?”
“Calm down Brian, I never broke my word to you. I haven’t told anyone since I promised you. When I first started suspecting you were gay, I wasn’t sure what to do. I went to mom and dad and told them what I thought and asked them what I should do. They showed me some places to go to on the web and explained that you were born that way, just like I was born straight. They told me to read about it before I decided anything. After I’d learned more about it, I could decide whether to choose intolerance and bigotry or my friend.... I chose my friend.”
“I’m sorry, Tim, just a lot of pressure now.”
“Yea...but you have the three of us on your side, so call if you need to, OK?”
“I will...I promise.”
“OK...if I don’t hear from you tonight, I’ll know things are OK and I’ll talk to you next week.”
“OK, Tim...thanks, dude.”
“No biggie, Bri...that’s what friends are for. Just hang in there...I’m sure things will work out.”
Tim and I had been friends for nearly two years and had become best friends within a month of our meeting. We had met on Tim’s first day of school after his dad had joined a private practice and had moved his family to St. Louis. We quickly had become a ‘best friends pair’ one of those relationships where our two names were almost always mentioned together. Our friends and teammates had grown used to saying Tim and Brian or Brian and Tim. We were together so much that, usually, if you saw one of us, the other was there or close by.
We were both seventeen and our birthdays were less than a week apart. We both would be eighteen less than a month after we started our senior year in high school. We both were athletic and loved all sports but especially soccer. I was the more reserved of the two but was a jokester at heart. After I got to know someone and felt comfortable around them, I was as talkative and outgoing as any of the rest of my friends.
Tim was one of those people who had never met a stranger and felt comfortable in nearly any setting. His outgoing personality and friendliness made him popular with both boys and girls, especially the girls. He was a real ladies’ man and never lacked a date.
Tim had figured out, early on in our friendship, that I was gay, something I had barely accepted myself, and had confronted me with it. He had let me know that it wasn’t important to him. As far as he was concerned, it was just a part of who I was. This was a godsend for me. I had someone to talk to and not have to hide my real feelings. Tim had been there for me, through all the self-doubt and guilt, as I came to terms with being gay. Tim had, at times, been my whipping boy to vent my frustrations on and at other times my rock. Someone I could turn to for reassurance and support when I began letting things get to me.
Tim was the only person who had known I was gay, or at least I had thought so until the phone conversation that afternoon. I had been shocked and angry at first, when I found out Tim’s folks had known I was gay all that time. After I’d had a little time to think about it though, it had given me the extra bit of courage I needed to tell my parents I was gay. If Tim’s parents could accept me and make no big deal out of it, I was more sure than ever that my parents would accept me too. There was bound to be a period of adjustment and things might be a little tense for awhile but I was convinced telling them was the right thing to do.
***
“...OK, Brian...spill it.”
“Spill what?”
“We’ve been talking for almost a half hour and you haven’t said more than a dozen words at a time. Are things at home OK?”
“Can’t I just miss my best friend and enjoy listening to him?”
“Your best friend misses you too, but that doesn’t keep him from talking to you. Something’s wrong...I know you, Brian, and I can tell.”
“It’s just that things aren’t getting any better here. If anything, it’s getting worse.”
“Are you still getting the cold shoulder?”
“It’s not so much a cold shoulder as just being treated like I wasn’t here. They’ll only speak to me if I say something first, and now even Scott has picked up on it and he won’t talk to me either. I feel like a boarder instead of a family member.”
“School’s out Brian, maybe you need to get away for awhile and let them get their heads together. You knew it was going to take time. Why don’t you come to Chicago for a couple weeks. It’ll give you and your parents some space and time. Besides, it would be cool to hang out together again.”
“No, that’s not the answer. I will admit that moving to Chicago looks better and better every day. I don’t know how much longer I can live like this. I’m dying inside a little more every day. If I come to Chicago it will probably be for good.... I’ll know, for sure, I’m not part of this family any more.”
“Well, at least consider it, Brian.”
“I will, Tim...thanks, man.”
“I guess we’ll talk next week then?”
“Sure thing, Tim. See you dude.”
“Bye, Brian.”
The first week, after I had come out to my parents, things went pretty much the way I expected. They weren’t pleased when I told them, but at least hadn’t kicked me out. They seemed to be more stunned at my revelation than anything else. I knew, in my heart, they loved me but it was still there in the back of my mind...that feeling, or fear, that I would be a disappointment to them and they would reject me. I figured that, given a little time, they’d get over their shock and things would begin to get back to normal.
The first sign that things weren’t going as well as I’d thought they would came the next Saturday after I told them. I ran into Mrs. Jensen at the convenience store.
“Hi, Brian. I was sorry to hear you won’t be babysitting any more. You were the twins’ favorite babysitter and we never heard a complaint when you sat for them. We understand that, at your age, things begin to get a little hectic and you never seem to have enough time. We’d appreciate it if you know someone wanting to do some babysitting, and you think they’d be OK for the twins, if you’d get them in touch with us.”
“What?” I asked in confusion.
“Your mother told me yesterday afternoon, when I called to see if you were available to sit last night, that you’d decided not to sit any more because you were so wrapped up in other things right now.”
“Oh, right. If I hear of someone wanting to do babysitting, I’ll let you know.” I answered, feeling a seething anger beginning to build inside. As I walked home the anger grew. I didn’t know what the hell that was all about but I was sure going to find out when I got home.
My mom’s car wasn’t in the drive when I got home. I went in the front door, slamming it in my anger, and saw my brother, Scott, on the sofa. “Where the hell’s mom?” I growled.
“Whoa, someone has their panties in a bunch.” Scott laughed.
I glared at Scott. “What the hell’s that little remark supposed to mean, Scott?”
Scott was getting angry too, now. “Look Brian, don’t be pulling an attitude with me. I don’t know what’s going on between you and mom and dad but whatever’s got them upset won’t be helped any if you start copping an attitude.”
“Yea? Well, what if I have every right to have an attitude?”
“That’s up to you, bro. You’re the one catching the heat, but I’m getting caught in the crossfire. Whatever you did, or are doing, you need to change. Things are only going to get worse if you don’t.”
“And what if I didn’t do anything wrong?”
Scott snorted, “As if! I’ve only seen mom and dad like this four or five times in my life and every time it was because of some serious screw up one of us made. I know I didn’t do anything wrong and you’re the one they’re coming down on, so get a clue bro!”
I watched my brother stalk out of the room and thought to myself, “Yea...I screwed up big time. I never should have told them the truth.” When I’d first told my parents I was gay, they were shocked and surprised but had assured me they loved me and, even though it would take time to become accustomed to the news, they’d never turn me out or turn their backs on me. I’d felt relieved, at first, that the truth was out in the open, but now I was having doubts about whether I should have told them or not.
The first few days after telling them were strained, just as I’d thought they would be. But, instead of the strain easing, it seemed to be getting worse. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see them staring at me, as if they were trying to figure out who I was. They always seemed to have this look of disappointment, or maybe sadness, when they looked at me.
Maybe I was expecting too much too soon. This babysitting thing wasn’t really that important right now. I could always go back to babysitting when things returned to normal. It was true that I had a lot on my mind now, and was pretty distracted. My mom was probably right that I needed a break for awhile. I just wished they’d discussed it with me first.
Discuss it with me? Who was I kidding? They barely spoke to me and when they did it was out of necessity. If I tried talking to them, I was always told “Not now, Brian, I’m kind of busy. Maybe later, OK?” The problem was, later kept getting farther and farther into the future.
***
A week later was our biggest soccer game of the year. There would be two games after this, but this game was against our cross-town rivals and our team had lost the last three years. It was a hard-fought match but we had managed to squeak out a 1-0 victory. The team was supposed to meet for pizza to celebrate the victory, and I was at the bench slipping a pair of sweats on over my soccer shorts, when I heard someone speak to me. “Hey, Brian.” I turned to see our goalie, Freddy, walking up to me.
“Hey, Freddy. Wassup?”
“I just was wondering if you were going for pizza with the guys. If you weren’t, I was going to see if you wanted to walk home together. I kind of need to talk.”
Freddy and I had been friends since first grade. We were close but never really best friends. I wasn’t sure why that was. We’d hung around together all through grade school, middle and now high school, but just never seemed to make the connection that best friends had. We were comfortable around each other. The thought suddenly hit me that maybe being comfortable with each other was a form of best friendship. I looked at my friend in a new light. Maybe he wasn’t ‘the’ best friend but he definitely was one of my best friends. “Sure Freddy, let me get these sweats on. Is something wrong?”
“Yea...some serious shit.... Angie’s pregnant.”
Freddy and Angie had been a couple since the end of seventh grade. They seemed to be made just for each other and he had told us, even back then, that he was going to marry her someday. We all teased them over the years about being an old married couple but I think all of us envied what they seemed to have. They had arguments and didn’t agree about everything but always worked them out without splitting up. Someday I hoped to have a love for someone like the love they shared.
“Damn, Freddy, I don’t know what to say. What are you guys going to do?”
“We’re going to get married but can’t until after the baby comes next spring. There’s no way we could afford to pay for the baby, but her dad’s insurance will, as long as she’s single and still at home. We both want to stay in school and graduate next spring, so my mom and hers will help take care of the baby until we’re out of school. One of my uncles will give me a job so I’ll be able to support us then. He said we could work out the hours so I could go to the junior college and still work full time. Going away to college is out of the question now.”
“Sounds like you have it all worked out. How’re your families taking it?”
“Not good at first...there was a lot of yelling going on for a few days. My mom and dad kept asking how I could have done something so stupid and ruin my life like that. What we did wasn’t stupid though, Brian, it was the rightest thing I’ve ever done. Doing it without protection was stupid but making love wasn’t. I kept telling them that it wasn’t going to ruin our lives.... It will change our plans but isn’t going to ruin our lives.”
“Things OK now at home, though?”
“Yea.... It was only rough for a few days and then they all decided what was done was done, and accepted it and now are busy making plans for the baby, and helping us come to grips with the idea we’re going to be parents in seven months. That’s a scary freakin’ thought but I’m really looking forward to it. I can’t hardly believe I’m going to be a dad!”
“Yeah, I bet it is.”
“Look, Brian, I know Tim’s your best friend, but I think you’re mine. We’re not as close as you and Tim, but I consider you my best friend. Would you consider being my best man next spring?”
“Wow, dude! You want me to be your best man?”
“Yeah, I do.”
“You better save the ‘I do’s’ for Angie. But I’d be honored to be your best man.”
We’d reached Freddy’s house and sat out on their lawn for nearly an hour talking. I finally noticed the time. “Shit, man! I got to split! I’m going to be late for dinner, and Mom will have a cow!”
“Hah-hah, OK, dude. This was fun...we should talk like this more often.”
“Yea...maybe next time, I’ll have a big secret to tell you.” I said laughing.
Freddy got a serious look on his face before he answered, “Just remember, Brian, no matter how big it is, it won’t affect our friendship.”
I started to stutter and say I was joking but he interrupted me, “Got it dude?”
“Yea...got it. Thanks, man.”
“Laterz, Brian.” he said and turned to go up to his house.
As I left for home, I wondered if he suspected I was gay. I couldn’t come up with any reason for his remark, other than that. I hoped he would still feel that way and want me as his best man, when he found out just how big the secret was. I knew I’d have to tell him before long. There was no way I’d wait until it was too late for them to find a new best man, and ruin their wedding, if it did make a difference. And I knew it would ruin the memory of a happy day, if he found out after the wedding that his best man was gay.
‘Jeez!!’ I thought to myself, ‘Are my parents the only ones who hadn’t figured out I was gay?’
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