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Freefall
By Codey
Chapter 02
I knew as soon as I walked in the house that I was in trouble. There’s this sixth sense that teens have that can read their parents’ moods without a word being said. I’m not sure how it works. It may be body language or just the look in their eyes but it was definitely a real feeling you got.
“Your dinner’s on the table,” Mom said, “get washed up and eat before it gets any colder.”
I really needed a shower after the hot and sweaty game, but knew better than to push my luck. I hurried and washed up and went into the kitchen to eat. I could always shower after I ate. I was surprised when Mom and Dad both followed me into the kitchen and sat at the table with me. “Uh-oh...here it comes,” I thought, and suddenly my appetite was gone.
Mom was the first to speak. “Where have you been?”
“This was the Cougars game. You knew that. The guys always go out for pizza after that game.”
“You weren’t with the team.” This was a statement and not a question.
“How do you know that?”
“We called the coach on his cell when you weren’t home right after the game. He told us you and another team member left right after the game.”
“Why would you call him? Are you going to be checking up on me like this from now on? I’m almost eighteen years old, nearly an adult. How could you do this to me?”
“Brian,” my dad answered, “turning eighteen doesn’t make someone an adult...maybe legally it does but some take much longer to become adults. As long as you live in our home, we have every right to know where you are and what you’re doing. When you’re out with someone, doing God only knows what, we worry. We’re your parents and it’s our responsibility and duty to protect you. If you were going to be late, you should have let us know where you were going.”
“Scott’s car isn’t in the driveway. He’s late coming home from work. Have you called his boss to see where he is?”
“That’s entirely different, Brian.”
“How? He still lives here. He’s your son. Don’t you have the right to know where he is and whether he’s out doing ‘God only knows what’ with someone? This has nothing to do with you being worried about me, does it? If you were worried about me, you would have looked out the door to see if I was walking home. If you’d done that, you’d have seen me sitting in Freddy’s front yard for the last hour talking. He’s getting married and asked me to be his best man. Since he’s getting married, it’s highly unlikely he and I would have been doing ‘God only knows what,’ isn’t it? This may be about worry, but it’s not worry about me. It’s worry someone else will find out you have a gay son.”
“Your being like that has nothing to do with it, Brian,” Mom answered.
“Like what, Mom? Neither of you can even bring yourselves to say the word can you? For almost three months now, you’ve been avoiding that word and avoiding me because you’re afraid I’ll say it. The word is ‘gay,’ Mom. You have a gay son and can’t deal with it. You say it’s your ‘responsibility and duty’ to protect me because you’re my parents. What about love? Why can’t it be your duty and responsibility because you love me? Or don’t you love me anymore? Neither of you has said you do since the night I told you I was gay.”
“Don’t be ridiculous, Brian, we’re your parents.”
“So that’s what this has been about? That’s why this house has seemed like an armed camp for the last few months?”
I looked up, in shock, and saw Scott standing at the door. He looked at me, “You’re gay, Brian?”
I couldn’t read his expression for sure, but he looked angry. I wasn’t about to back down though, and answered, “Yeah...yeah, I am. So what?”
He started towards me, and I stood up. If I was going to get my ass kicked, I was going to make sure I got in a few kicks of my own. Mom and Dad just sat there. Neither said a word or tried to stop Scott in any way. “So much for trying to protect me,” I thought as I faced Scott. A look of sadness came over Scott’s face and he surprised me by embracing me.
“Why didn’t you tell me this was what was going on, Bri? I might not have been able to help much, but at least you’d have someone on your side.”
“I didn’t know how you’d take it Scott.”
“Yeah, I can see how you’d think that, the way some have taken it.” and he turned to look at Mom and Dad. “I’m sorry things have been so rough for you the last few months, lil bro.” he said, still looking at our parents. Then turning to me, with a gleam in his eye and giving me a wink, he said, “Ewwww...you stink, lil bro. You need to go take a shower.”
“Yeah, I know, I think I will.” I said while giving Scott another hug. “Thanks, bro,” I whispered.
“We’ll finish this talk later, Brian,” Mom said. “We made an appointment for you at the doctor’s for a physical tomorrow morning, so don’t make any other plans.”
“I had a physical just before soccer, why do I need another so soon?”
“That was a sports physical. You haven’t had a complete physical for a while and we thought it was time.”
I rolled my eyes at Scott and left, ostensibly to shower, but I stopped just outside the door, and out of sight, to eavesdrop. This was one conversation I didn’t want to miss.
“Scott, don’t interfere in this,” Dad said, “this doesn’t concern you. This is between Brian and us.”
“You’re wrong, Dad. This not only concerns me but affects me too. If it concerns my family, it affects me. If it affects my brother then it affects me. Are you planning on pushing me away from the family too after you drive Brian away?”
“We’re not trying to drive Brian away. You don’t understand what’s going on. We’re doing what is in Brian’s best interest. We have to watch out for him now. Things have changed since he’s become gay.”
“Since he’s become gay? Just when was that? Do you think he just became gay when he told you? Come on, Dad, it’s not like you never had any clues. And if you’re not trying to drive him away then you need to take a closer look at how you’re treating him. You’re doing your best to isolate him. You made him stop babysitting; you’re trying to separate him from his friends; and you’re watching him like a hawk. Just what is it you think he’s going to do? Do you think he’s going to embarrass you by going out in the yard and shouting it to the world? You’re doing more to out him than he could by doing that. How long before his friends and others start wondering what he’s done to piss you off so much? There’s plenty of clues if they look close enough. I’m surprised you hadn’t figured it out before he told you.”
“You knew he was gay?”
“No, I didn’t know, but I suspected it for the last few years. He’s never had a girlfriend, never had a date and, as far as I know, he never even had a crush on a girl. Did you need it written out for you?”
“And I suppose it doesn’t bother you that your brother is gay? Do you even know how homosexuals are and the things they do?”
“Yes, I do know. Apparently, I know more than you two do. Have you done anything at all to find out, or are you relying on the stories you’ve heard from homophobic people? Can you really believe Brian is like all those stupid stereotypes? And yes, it does bother me that he’s gay, but not for the reasons you let it bother you. It bothers me that people will treat him badly. Some will want to hurt him. Who is he going to have for support? It looks like the people he should be able to rely on are as bad as the rest. He came to you because he thought he could depend on you. He trusted you with something he thought you should know. You should feel honored that he felt he could trust you, but you can’t see past your prejudices. He probably thinks you’ve betrayed his trust by the way you’ve been treating him.”
“Things have changed since he told you his secret, but those changes are ones you’ve made. Brian was the same the day after he told you as he was the day before. He’s different now, but it’s because of the way you’ve been treating him. You’re beating him down and killing his spirit. How long before he reaches the point where the struggle isn’t worth it? How long before he starts thinking that, if his own parents can’t accept him, how can he expect anyone else to?”
“You’re nineteen and legally an adult but you don’t have the maturity yet to understand what’s going on here. We’re the parents and we’re making decisions for the good of the family. This isn’t just about Brian, it’s about the family too. We are acting in what we feel are the best interests of the family.”
“You believe tearing the family apart is in its best interests? That’s what’s happening here.”
“We don’t believe we’re tearing the family apart. We’re trying to hold it together. If word gets out about Brian, there will be repercussions for each of us individually and the family as a whole. Are you prepared for that? Are you ready for your friends to start avoiding you because of Brian? Are you ready for the family to become the object of scorn from others?”
“The friends who’d ignore me because my brother is gay aren’t people who I’d want as friends anyway. As for what others would think of me or my family, that’s way down on my list of concerns compared to how I feel about my brother and how he feels about me. My feelings for my brother and my family come before the opinions of anyone else.”
“You and Brian might not agree with our decisions but we are the heads of this family and we will make the decisions we feel are the right ones. When you have a place of your own and a family of your own, you’ll understand our position. Until then, as long as you live in our home, you’ll have to abide by our decisions.” I could sense the conversation coming to an end, so I quietly went upstairs to shower.
After showering, I was lying on my bed and thinking about their conversation. It wasn’t very encouraging to me but at least I now had a slight understanding of my parents’ position and what I was up against. They were worried about what others might think. They no longer trusted me and were going to be watching and trying to control my every action to protect the image of our family they wanted others to see. My respect for my parents was diminishing...but I was gaining a greater appreciation for my brother.
I decided to check my e-mail – and noticed for the first time that the tower to my computer was gone. This was too much!
My anger built as I went downstairs. When I got to the kitchen, Scott, Mom and Dad were still at the table and none of them looked happy.
“Where the hell is my computer?” I demanded.
Mom and Dad looked startled and turned to look at me. “I don’t like that tone of voice or that language, young man,” Mom said.
“OK, where is my computer?” I asked again while trying to hold in my anger.
“We decided to bring it downstairs. We felt we needed to be able to monitor your use of the computer more closely.”
“It’s all there except the tower.”
“We took it to the repair shop to have it reformatted. We’ll move it when we get it back.”
“Why would you do that? There was nothing wrong with my computer.”
“We have no way of knowing what’s on your computer. Reformatting will clear any objectionable or even illegal files you might have downloaded.”
“No way! I have music and picture files on there that I don’t want to lose! That’s my computer. I bought it with my babysitting money, and you have no right to do this!”
“We have every right, Brian. This is our home and we have the right and the responsibility to make sure there is nothing illegal going on in it.”
“You think I’m doing something illegal on the computer? Just what do you think I’m doing on it?”
“We have no way of knowing what you’ve been doing on it. That’s why we are moving it downstairs and making sure the hard drive is clean. We don’t want the police showing up someday and finding something illegal on it.”
“The police? Why would the police show up and want to see my computer? And even if they did, they wouldn’t find anything illegal except for a few songs I’ve downloaded from a file sharing site. If you were worried about what was on my computer, you could have asked.”
“This way we know for sure, Brian.”
I felt as if someone had poked me with a pin and all the anger just blew away, replaced by a feeling of defeat and resignation. There was nothing I could say or do to get them past this paranoia and to rebuild their trust in me. And why should I even have to? I had done nothing wrong in the first place. They were the ones that had let irrational fears and uninformed beliefs build into paranoia and destroy their trust in me. I just slowly shook my head and turned to go back upstairs.
I had only been back in my room a few minutes when I heard a rapping on my door. I heard Scott’s voice through the door asking if he could come in for a minute.
“Hey,” he said after he entered, “rough afternoon huh?”
“Rough afternoon, day, week and summer would be more like it.”
“Yeah...I’m sorry, Brian.
“For what? You haven’t done anything.”
“Yes I have. I’ve been blaming you for what’s been going on without knowing the facts. If I’d known, I wouldn’t have been such an asshole towards you.”
He sat next to me on the bed and asked, “Do you want to talk about it?”
“No.”
“Are you sure? I’m ready to listen if you want.”
“Talking about it won’t help. The only thing that will help is a time machine to take me back and let me start over. I deserve this for being stupid enough to tell them. It’s my fault this is going on.”
He moved closer to me and put his arm around me, pulling me into an embrace, “No, it’s not! It’s not your fault and you don’t deserve this treatment and I don’t ever want to hear you blaming yourself again!”
“But none of this would be going on if I had kept my mouth shut.”
He pushed me back to arm’s length and looked me in the eye, “You’re right, Bri, it wouldn’t be happening now, but it would sooner or later. They would react the same no matter when they learned. You were honest and up-front with them. They’re the ones that let you down. You were being truthful just like always.”
I couldn’t hold back the tears any longer and when Scott pulled me into another hug, I began sobbing, “What am I going to do, Scott?”
“You’re going to hang in there. Remember that in three weeks the rules change. You’ll be 18 then. What I’m going to do is go to the computer shop first thing in the morning and get your computer back before they do anything to it.”
“I’m going to work on something else too tomorrow. We’re going to get through this together, Brian.”
“Scott, can I ask you something?”
“Sure Bri, ask away.”
“Why are you being so cool about this whole gay thing?”
He smiled at me and said, “Because I’m the coolest dude you’ll ever meet,” and walked toward the door. He reached the door and paused a few seconds with his back facing me; then turned and leaned against the door. “No,” he said, “that’s not right. You asked a straight question and it deserves a straight answer. The first, and most important, is that you’re my brother and I love you. I’ve always been proud of you and I’m proud of the man you’re becoming. I don’t want to see you turn bitter and change the direction you have your life going. We’re two different personalities, Bri, you’re careful and thoughtful as well as hard working. I’m more outgoing and tend to test the water by jumping in. I’ve always respected and envied your outlook on life.”
“You envied me? I’ve always wanted to be more like you. What’s the second reason?”
He looked thoughtful before he replied, “You’re not the only gay person I know, Bri...and don’t ask who it is because I won’t tell you. I’d never break your confidence by telling anyone about you without your permission and I won’t theirs either. I’ve learned from them that being gay is just a part of who you are, and that we need to look at the whole person instead of liking, or disliking, someone for a single thing about them.” Then he opened the door and left.
I don’t know why I was so surprised by his reaction. I’d always admired my big brother and had wanted to be like him, but that’s probably normal for most younger brothers. We’d never been particularly close; we’d each had our own friends and interests and were involved in different sports. He was a football jock and I was a soccer player.
I was suddenly struck with the thought that shared interests and activities, aren’t closeness. As I’d realized earlier in the day that Freddy was one of my best friends, even though we didn’t hang out together a lot, I realized now that there was love in my relationship with Scott. You can be close to someone, or love someone even, without shared interests and a physically close relationship. The love for friends or family brings with it a closeness not ruled by distance or circumstance. This love transcends the physical plane and all differences, and is a product of the meeting of hearts and souls. I began to wonder if I’d ever had this kind of closeness with my parents. I’d never before doubted my parents’ love, and it was painful to feel this doubt now building inside me.
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